How to Create Space and Connection in a Virtual World Like a Teacher

I resisted being a teacher.  Although my undergraduate degree was in Education, I swiftly pulled the plug on that deal after my student teaching semester.  Up until now, I’ve never identified as a teacher, and I’m starting to understand why.

Instead, I have strongly identified as a “marketing researcher,” which really doesn’t mean much to a vast majority of the population.  But recently, I have had this overwhelming pull to “teach” something I see as a need.  The need to teach: why and how empathy can facilitate creating things that matter.

As a marketing researcher, I have spent the majority of my career unearthing people’s emotional desires and tensions to help brands speak to their customers in a way that can alter choice. 

Big brands do that because they know:  people make decisions based on emotional desires and frustrations (even when they think they are making decisions with rationale).

Recently, I have been playing with the idea of using empathy to better connect with oneself and each other for the purpose of helping individuals and organizations create more of what matters.

It started with a question - “what if the empathetic marketing research process could be turned inward so that individuals and small groups could unearth their own and other’s emotions to create more of whatever matters in their own lives?”

It has been more of a challenge than I thought to learn how to take this concept out of marketing research, and into real life connections. 

This summer, I pulled together a group of women beta testers to review my initial “online course” and who I consider to be:

1.     B@dass in their careers

2.     Brilliant in their thinking

3.     Big-hearted

As the process unfolded, I saw the need to do more than just the learning content and to help them “help each other” with “support sessions” for their creative project.  Naively, I thought that bringing together a “focus group” for their individual support should come naturally for me – facilitating the unearthing of emotions to help them tap into their power and create from that is “what I do”, I told myself. 

 But as time grew nearer to our first session, I realized why I never became a teacher: I have anxiety of losing control of a group’s dynamics and worry they would self-destruct. 

This had nothing to do with the group - it comes from my own fear of not feeling safe with others who are smart. I fear judgment, or perhaps seen as crazy, or possibly unseen or unheard.  

And while that may seem a little extreme, these fears center around what I have seen throughout my life - of people who “care” for each other. And in their “care”, destroy one another in a group setting.  Doing things like shutting people down, “teaching” the one who is vulnerable, over-spiritualizing or becoming the educator, over “sympathizing” or coaching or cheerleading. 

All of these things may be well-intentioned, yet they do not foster the safety that is needed for full expression; instead, they shut it down.  Nothing new can be created when people are emotionally shut down, afraid to say what they really think or feel.  And nothing new can be created when those creating are feeling judged.  True creation happens in the space of empathy.  For empathy allows creation to unfold. 

 That is why I believe if we are going to truly “be” with each other authentically, we must learn to show up as our “empathetic self” vs. our “caring self.”  When this happens, heart-activated solutions present themselves.

For 17+ years in focus groups, I have created a “container” of space in a controlled environment – one where people feel safe enough to openly express their opinions.  As a result, I have been witness to really cool creations.

But it’s one thing to create a safe “container” in a controlled environment, especially when it’s with a group of strangers.  In some ways, getting strangers to connect authentically in a deep way is easy because there is little to no fear of loss of future connection.  It’s a one and done conversation.  Plus, the ones who are actually creating based on emotions are behind the glass.

 It’s quite another to guide others who intend to create for and with each other, and have potential fears associated with emotional exposure to be with each other safely, especially in a virtual environment such as Zoom. 

It’s more complicated when you begin diving into more authentic conversations with people you care about. Because when you are helping a group form for deeper connection and creativity you must also be with multiple levels of “emotion” – your own, each individual member and the group as a whole.  

So, I put together an overarching way to think about the Empathetic Self vs. the Caring Self – and why the caring self does not foster the creativity needed, while the empathetic self does.

Considering I have formed a career doing this, I was shocked at how new it felt to create a container for others to be with others.  I struggled afterwards - with my own feelings of shame and disconnection because I wanted to “do better” at simultaneously guiding each member to contribute with “empathy” WHILE keeping the whole group’s energy focused toward the heart instead of the mind.

It’s one thing to create connection, it’s quite another to be connected while teaching it – especially in an empathetic way for myself.  Doing so requires all at the same time:

1.     Creating connection between the emotions of each individual, the one sharing and the group as a whole

2.     Redirecting positively– so each member can stay in emotional conversation

3.     Navigating technology – creating virtual energy

4.     Creating guardrails for emotional presence.

5.     Being present with my own emotions as I danced between creating control over the group’s comfort vs. surrender and trust to the individuals in the process

I realize how much I, too, struggle with being present in my heart rather than my head when I am trying to teach something.  

Here’s what I discovered.  I need to:

1.     Slow down.   When teaching something, I must break things down a bit more – I notice my reluctance to want to be the expert and prefer to ask questions than “talk too much.”  I prefer to just jump in and do it; that’s my learning style and assume it’s others, too.  So, after a quick recap of the thinking, we jumped into the process. I realized afterwards that it would have made everyone feel more comfortable practicing asking open-ended questions if I had given some examples of the type of questions that take people to their heart vs. their mind.

2.     Simplify, then Define each step.  I used words like “Insight” and “Brainstorm” and realized as I was running down the field toward the goal, I might be the only one who knew where the ball was!  Someone asked if I could define an insight – and suddenly my own insight appeared – “Ohhh, I thought to myself.  Defining insight would help everyone understand more clearly WHY it’s important to uncover emotional understanding, not just behaviors.  Because an Insight is the aha moment when one can gain an accurate and deep intuitive understanding of a person or thing. When Empathy and Insight come together, deeper connections are made. 

3.     Give the Why – In case you are wondering, it’s not immediately clear in most group settings why you would possibly want to unearth fears, desires, and other feelings. (unless perhaps in group therapy settings).  Because, in most cases, it is quite taboo to express emotions fully.  The opposite is required – keep your emotions in check, bite your tongue, turn the other check, be a stoic.  We are taught at every turn to have “emotional control” so it’s an interesting outlier to have been hired by massive companies for years to do the opposite. Ironic, right?  I’m learning that it is not intuitive as to why there are very good reasons to uncover and be with other’s emotions in a controlled environment.  Teaching others to connect to create through the power of both heart and mind is a part of what needs to be taught. 

4.     Model, Tell a Story and/or Give Examples first.  My style is – ok, here’s the rough swag, now go do it.  Ummm, not helpful when trying to create safe space. As mentioned, emotional unearthing doesn’t necessarily feel “normal”, so easing people into doing new things requires a bit more hand holding than just giving them a bike and pushing them off!   I saw that each step in the process we used needs a further “why” as well as an example or story of how to make it concrete.

5.     Interrupt with integrity (“Yes and…”) I observed myself not being able to stop me as if in a slow motion reel shouting out to myself – “nooooooooooo” as I watched myself jump in to correcting a question.  It’s as if there were 2 parts of me – the part that knew better and the part that was so programmed to do what I do that I just split in half pouring all of my insides on the floor and then attempting to clean up the mess I made.  “Practice what you preach” was the lightbulb moment – it’s one thing to “tell others” to build on what others are saying, using positive builds such as “yes and” and “what if” – but if I don’t give myself the same guardrails or reminder, I just do what I know to do.  I correct the behavior.  And correction is not necessarily what the process is all about, is it?  No, it’s not. 

So, back to teachers.  I wonder how many are struggling with this same need to keep the classes learning (with their mind) and yet emotionally engaged (with their heart) on some level to create work in this new world.  We are in a new era of heart and mind working together.  And it’s not easy for any of us.

And yet, I am grateful to learn what I am trying to teach - correction via judgment is less important than connection via empathy and surrender of control.  It is through the connection to ourselves and others that we will pierce through the pain into creation with strength, love and resilience.

6 Emotional Waves from the Great COVID-19 Ocean

As we continue down the COVID-19 journey, I have found myself aching somedays, and rejoicing others. As a way of coping with my own emotions, I decided to do what I normally do - interview others to understand their experience as a way of processing my own.  

I talked to 11 women in-depth over Zoom webcam videos - across life stages, demographics, in the US, Peru, Italy and Argentina to better understand other’s emotional experiences and behavior changes as a result of COVID-19.  Here are a few of many key “themes” or patterns that emerged. Noted: As with all qualitative research, this is not statistically valid.  And I want to note that everyone I talked to had not been impacted by the virus (personally or experienced a loss of a loved one). However, there was a great degree of difference in the economic impact each individual was personally experiencing.

1 ~ Women are “Finally" Free to Feel - 

• One of the most interesting commonalities we saw was the level of unashamed “feelings” they were experiencing.  Most striking to me was the rawness of feeling, ready and available, waiting to be released.  Like a faucet with a super charged nozzle.

• Ironically, this is unlike my 17+ years of experience interviewing women, where emotions lay dormant and suppressed waiting for enough space and gentle nudging in order for emotions to surface.  

• What time and social distancing has given to women is something unprecedented - the ability to experience the fullness of themselves - the freedom to feel their feelings.

2 ~ Individual Preference Trumps Group Norms

• Women are accustomed to turning to others to help “figure out the unknown.” Google, friends, family and co-workers, have previously provided answers when women embark on something new - whether a new mom, learning a new recipe, or how to start a business. 

• But now, with no “map”, women are relying on their own self-sufficiency to “figure it out.”  The women I spoke to have been relegated to figure out a new world without a map or guidebook in every level of their lives – whether it’s home schooling, learning new technologies in record speed, working virtually with competing demands, juggling basic needs - new food, sleep, and shelter norms, elderly and/or sick parents, how to shop, interact, do social “touches”- it is all being reconfigured.

• And there’s not an answer on Google for “how to best do it.” When they do find a source for guidance, it usually differs from another source’s best recommendation.   They are “playing by the rules put upon them” and working out new, original ways to solve their own problems.

  1. Small business owner mediating between 2 experts she hired - an attorney and a CPA - to “figure out” how to secure a loan to keep employees paid.

  2. Expat in Peru learning to “dry” clothes without a dryer while "working out" with filled water bottles.

  3. Working mom who is learning to cook for the first time without recipes using snacks and ingredients she has at home.

3 ~ Experiencing the Extreme is Creating a Space for Emotional Balance

• Because women are beginning to experience the fullness of their emotions - what is left in the wake of the emotional waves is a space for balance, “the in between.”  

• They spoke of so many paradoxes - beautiful gifts and horrific nightmares simultaneously, which causes extreme feelings –

  1. “joyful moments I haven’t been able to sit with before”

  2. “Justified anger that typically I would question but now I know it’s true and I don’t have to self-blame.”  

  3. "Deep sadness because seeing the loss all around me brings me to my knees."  

All of this in such a small space of time appears to create an opening, a space, a pinhole for which to see the world in a more balanced way.  It’s creating a window to see all of it - more conceptually.  More holistically, more balanced.

4 ~ The Great Leveler is Self-Empathy

• These women appear to empathize at a new level – first for themselves. 

  •  I saw more compassion for others than judgment.

  • I saw more questions instead of answers. 

• And as these women questioned everything and felt everything, their eyes seemed to open fully to OTHER’s emotions. 

• Interestingly, those who are experiencing a greater loss of physical freedom are still wanting greater empathy. “When I see my co-workers in the US talk about how hard it is while they are taking pictures outdoors in nature with their kids, I think to myself it’s not the same as it is here where I am on permanent lockdown and can’t leave the house without permission papers and on certain days – I wish they could see that.”  

• As they fully saw and experienced their own experience, they began to also see and feel through the eyes of other’s more deeply. 

  • “You have to embrace your own vulnerability in order to understand what other’s problems are.” 

  • “I feel for those who are in the front line, what it must be like for them.  I can hardly deal with my own prison, let alone being fearful daily of my own life.”

• The depth they were feeling their own emotions appears to correlate with the depth they were able to feel compassion vs. judgment for others.

  • “I wish they could see what a great time this is to experience their children.” 

  Vs.

  • “I am learning to be ok to just have a little cry every day to get it out of my system vs. taking the impossible moral high grounds.”

5 ~ Time is the Great Catalyst for Women Leaders to Rise Up

We didn’t recruit leaders specifically but it’s interesting that in all the interviews, regardless of age/stage, whether they were stay at home moms, running a business, retired or laid off: They were showing up for themselves and their family as holistic leaders in a way that they normally ONLY show up for others. These women were natural leaders in this crisis. This is a crisis that for some, is giving them something they need most: time to reflect.

1. This time appears to be giving women the ability to go inward, experience their emotions, and integrate that with their pragmatic minds in a way that solves holistically for everyone in their world.

2. Ironically, as these women used their "extra me time" to solve first and foremost for what they need, they were also solving for bigger problems as well:

   1. A stay at home wife of an expat confined to her apartment for over 30 days created a private Facebook group allowing others to share ideas and positivity because she is needing to find connection outside her 4 walls.

   2. A C-level leader in the financial industry is pushing back to her leadership, standing up for herself and employees due to “justified anger” by creating a conversation for “more down time” and greater connection virtually outside of “work mode.”

   3. A retired veteran's wife is creating opportunities for her neighborhood by facilitating ways for neighbor kids to connect at a distance because she is fueled by her need to see her grandkids.

   4. An entrepreneur is purchasing cupcakes from a local bakery and sending “goodies” to her clients because she is marrying her own need to stay in business with hope for her fellow local business owners.

3. These women are simultaneously finding ways to put salve on their inner emotional world while sending ripple effects into their outer world because they have more time.

6 ~ New Behaviors Emerging - Simultaneous Deeper Connection with Online & Nature

1. Ironically, this has created both a need for deeper connection with nature along with a deeper comfort with online connection.  

2. Those 2 things have traditionally not worked together in unison, but in this case, the need to connect online - with peers, students, teachers, friends, family, and work associates - has created a bigger need to be outside more than ever before.  

   1. “The best part of my day is walking outdoors with my kids at 3:00 when we all need a break.”  

   2. “I don’t know if I’ll ever want to meet up for happy hour again when I can do it just as easily from my living room.”  

3. These are 2 new behaviors that will likely continue because it’s a surprise to feel so emotionally connected with nature and to connect emotionally with others via “online socializing.”   

So, these are just a few things I am digesting. I am also thinking about new ways to frame up “emotional needs” states, as well as next step implications and questions companies will need to address - both from a consumer lens as well as an organizational lens.   

Here’s the greatest learning I’m getting - who we decide to “be” (as families, communities, organizations, and countries) is going to be as or more  important going forward than what we decide to “do”.

How to Stay Sane by Returning to Curiosity

Late last week, I wrote about my first wave of anxiety when COIVD-9 shifted our spring break plans, and life as I knew it began to change.

Only a few days later, it has changed in ways I wasn’t really expecting.  Yes, I think I have enough toilet paper now but I’m recognizing my new reality - the seemingly impossible task of juggling the work I have to do with the fear of not having work to do.

All the while being mindful of my child’s many needs, whether it be something to keep her active, learning, socially isolated, oh and food.  Yes, I must ensure she has food to eat.  And I’m doing it feeling more and more alone.  The reality of us all doing our part of social distancing to help flatten the curve is upon us.

But as I watch from afar my clients, friends, family and neighbors all trying to make sense of their world, too, I realize I’m not alone.  We are all on our individual journey to “nest” and create a new safe environment that includes getting our basic “physiological” needs (health, money, food, etc.) stabilized. Based on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs this is foundational to everything else.

So, as I strive to climb up Maslow’s Hierarchy to the next level - “safety”, I recognize the hack I use in my research is to stay curious.

And as I strive to climb on up the ladder yet again to Love & Belonging needs, I recognize my desire to connect. So that I don’t feel so alone.  I want to connect in a way that feels real and authentic, albeit virtual.

In addition to sponsoring a study by conducting Empathy Interviews (click here if you’re interested in getting paid for an hour webcam interview on how COIVD-19 is impacting you), we are also starting a private Facebook group for those who are interested in: Combatting COIVD-19 via Empathy Co-Creation. 

Why?

1. Because we need a judgment-free zone to express how we’re feeling, and what we need.

2. Because everything new in the market in mass began with understanding emotional needs. 

3. Because when we come together and co-create for greater good, we all win. 

4. Because the time is now for companies to listen carefully to what people need and create. 

In this group, we will have a larger conversation led by me to understand your biggest frustrations, worries, fears, shifts in behaviors.  We want to understand the biggest problems to solve - right now – in light of our environment.

This is an exclusive group – people who are committed to creating possibility from need.

Before you click to join , let me tell you more about how this group will be managed and who we want in the group.  The objective is to create a sense of freedom so that members can fully express.

This is how we do “focus groups” – in person or virtual - that are Made With Empathy:

1. We “listen” to each other’s vulnerability, not to solve it, but to experience it.

2. We ask questions to understand, not to teach or educate.

3. We collaborate by acknowledging what others are saying. 

4. We express frustrations (not complaints) with statements that begin with “I wish for” or “I wish that…"

5. We build on what people say with sentences that begin with “Yes and…"

6. We observe what is needed with curiosity and move to thinking about “What if…"

7. We believe that most people are doing the best they can and are on their own journey, even if it looks different than our own.

8. We stay out of judgment and step back into curiosity.

If this is of interest to you, your voice needs to be heard, and trust me, companies are listening.  They have no choice but to listen. 

After 15 + years of conducting this kind of research for large companies, I am ready to facilitate a broader connection between companies who are hungry to know how to shift in this crisis, and a large community of consumers who need new things.

So that we can rise up out of the virus ashes together, in community, into a world that makes more sense.  And selfishly, I want to stay sane… and this is my way of keeping my sanity. 

I Have Enough Toilet Paper but I Forgot to Breathe

It’s 3.14.20 and all spring break travel plans are successfully cancelled.

Ok, then breathe, I tell myself. 

Then the fear voice inside my head speaks again: “yes I have everything - tp, water, sick meds, fresh and frozen veggies, fresh and frozen meat. Fresh and frozen fruit. Lots of shelf stable snacks and let’s see what else do I need. Sick meds, essential oils.

Oh shit I accidentally ordered paper towels, not tp.  Back to square one ....”

The “other” voice: “Breathe again, April - this nesting thing you’re doing is going a little overboard. It’s seriously worse than the last week before you gave birth. Can you calm down?” Fear voice back at me: “But what if it’s not overboard, what if I haven’t done enough to prepare?”

This is the voice of the world - my Facebook feed, news feed, neighbors, friends, everyone I talk to.

But I hear it again – “Breathe again. It’s going to be ok.”

“Yeah keep telling yourself that” fear speaks again.  "You know it’s a national emergency right and Italians are having to open their windows to sing and connect with each other. We don’t do that here!!!!" 

“What are you going to do?” it speaks. “Stuck in the house with your high energy child, trying to work, while simultaneously attending to her needs, and keep everything afloat. Finances, bills, work, how is it all going to work. How???” Its voice growing louder.

“Breathe.  Stay present.”

 Ok – I can see now that 2 big breaths is better than one.

 Then a sudden thought, one that moves me out of fear and into curiosity?  

What is it like to be working on the front lines? To be a doctor or nurse or someone in the healthcare system who is actually making decisions and trying to help others while the rest of us are trying to make sure we can go to the bathroom in the cleanest manner for the next 7 years.  

Another thought - what is it like to be my clients working for large companies whose stock is going down daily and perhaps unclear of what will happen next? 

 What is it like to be an athlete, performer, event coordinator, participant who have paid large sums of money to attend an event, child who was attending the Houston stock show to show an animal, actor performing for months for a Broadway show - now cancelled. 

I want to know. I shift my thinking to move out of my fear and learn, begin understanding what it’s like for everyone else out there.  

 I want to understand it from the space of creation, not from the slant of despair I often feel after watching the news.  This is the space where I thrive.  

Because I know that I can move out of my own fear by understanding another’s reality.  Empathetic listening creates relativity, which simultaneously allows me to feel my own humanity at a deeper level and could shift me from fear.

That typically works for me but will it work here? Maybe? 

 I don’t know the answer or how this should work but I do know this. I know what happens when we are willing to let go of fear at the same time we grasp onto curiosity – new possibilities happen. 

I will do something to move me from fear to curiosity.  I want to have a real conversation with those affected or infected (even if it’s only with fear or a low supply of toilet paper). I only want to hear stories that will impact others.

I will sponsor my own research study and pay incentives for 1-hour “empathy interviews.”  My goal for the research is to understand the specific impact of social distancing to everyday families, including the closures of restaurants, events, etc. etc. 

• I’m calling it Combatting COIVD-19 via Empathy Co-Creation.

• If you’re interested in participating in a 1-hour webcam interview with me about your experience, please click here.

• I am also opening a private Facebook page for those who are interested in: Combatting COIVD-19 via Empathy Co-Creation.

Why? Because…

1. I believe that when we can see outside of ourselves:

   1. Fear disappears

   2. Curiosity leads to creativity

   3. It could help create an idea in someone else’s mind who can actually do something to help

   4. That idea could lead to a creative way to change the world

2. I believe when we hear each other’s stories, we can connect again, even if it’s virtual.

3. I believe we create new possibilities using our creative minds rather than our fear based minds.

4. I believe amongst the many tragedies this virus has caused - one of the greatest is the level of separation we now need to have, and I will be a catalyst for deeper connections

5. I believe when we can find new ways to connect, we can regain hope and faith in the human spirit

6. I believe our soul’s awakening is just around the corner of a big fat virus.  

I believe when we do this, we will stop hoarding toilet paper, and start sharing it, little by little, tissue by tissue, to those who need it most (and if we don’t, I might be one of those needing it!).

See my recent update here - How to stay sane by shifting to curiosity.

What To Do With an Idea Called Made With Empathy

A few years ago, I started having the urge to grow my business. At the time, I wasn’t sure exactly what that would look like but it seemed important to me at the time.  Now I know that the growth I was looking for was within me, not outside of me.

These are the beliefs that were the foundation for my desire to grow:

• Without growth, one becomes stagnant

• It would give my life more purpose, meaning

• I would feel more accomplished

• It would give me more freedom

• I was feeling burnt out

So, I started working on a growth Idea to offer educational tools to teach what we do for large corporations. At one point, I thought I would teach other small business owners to conduct their own marketing research, then the Idea evolved to teaching corporate leaders tools to help them collaborate better when co-creating. 

For the last 3 years, I did what I guess one does when they have an Idea, at least according to this book:  What Do You Do With an Idea?  I have been looking at my own navel: wondering about it, dreaming about it, thinking about it, researching it, dabbling in it, telling myself it’s dumb, and then finally, I put it on a shelf.

To be fair to myself, I tried a few things: I went through a strategy process, I drafted an entire online course, created a Mastermind group, tested my idea once, then another time, and it has done a lot of shape shifting in the process.

And through this naval-gazing phase of the process, a name was created for the Idea, and then a trademark application requested. And, as luck would have it, just a few weeks ago I received a letter that it has officially been trademarked.  Thus, a brand name for the Idea on the shelf was established: Made With Empathy™.  Now, I must take it off the shelf, dust it off, and see what happens.

I have been thinking about what holds me back, and it is fear.  I wish fear didn’t hold me back.  I’m fearful of it being a flop, that it won’t be meaningful to others, and that it’s just a stupid Idea, not really what others want or need.  

I’m also fearful of getting laughed at, criticized, rejected. That it will impact the work I already enjoy doing.  I don’t want to change what I love about my work, I just want to “enhance it”, make it shiny and loved…by me.  So, that’s the fight within myself – giving myself permission to do something important for me while wanting it to also have a positive, helpful impact to others. 

I wish it was easier for me to launch a new Idea into the world.  I see (and help others) do it for a living (link back to April bell research group services).  It’s so ironic because I help corporations do what is the hardest thing for me to do – launch their ideas into the world in a way that creates a massive impact – by marrying their Idea with the Needs of others.  After going through my own mental battle to “launch something”, I am even more impressed and in awe with all of the brands, companies and people who bring new products and services to life.

This Idea of Making things with Empathy hit my core because I witness on a consistent basis how ideas can take on form and literally get created out of nothing more than a brainstorm or ideation session.  When a team comes together to collaborate, to get clear on their objectives as a team, set aside their own personal opinions, and begin listening to each other, and those they are trying to create for, magic happens.  It happens almost every time, when teams (and the people within those teams) show up, get present, get out of their own heads, create space to focus, and are willing to resiliently pursue next steps when the idea doesn’t work the 1st time, or the 2nd, or the 3rd.  It’s really incredible.

I get to see great, brilliant people create amazing products and services – and they do it by using a lot of Empathy.  And I get hired to be “the Empathizer” – I get to build a bridge between consumer and creator, between creators.  I get to create space for magic to happen. 

Ironically, I’ve learned a lot about Empathy this last year.  Before then, I didn’t think I had a lot to learn.  If you’ve taken the StrengthFinder test, you may be familiar that Empathy is one of the 34 strengths.  Empathy is my #2 strength, which means I can intuitively and immediately feel and care about other’s feelings.  And my #1 strength is WOO (Winning Others Over) which means I love meeting and getting to know people, as many people as possible.  Perfect for the job I do.

But it doesn’t leave someone with those 2 strengths a lot of room for their own emotions.  I am currently reading a fascinating book by Richard Davidson, The Emotional Life of Your Brain.  In it, he has created an Emotional Style based on 6 dimensions - one of them is Self-Awareness.  I have realized how “Self-Opaque” I am – which means I have been mostly unaware of what I’m feeling most of my life.

What I’m learning is that even though it’s one of my strengths according to StrengthFinder, my ability to Empathize is actually limited due to the lack of it I have for myself.  

When one is able to empathize with their own feelings AND with the feelings of others, it creates clarity, and intentional, purposeful action.

Empathy with myself gives me clarity, and with clarity I can see the next action.  

It tells me when...

1. I need to stand strong because it’s my truth and I can’t be swayed

2. To find grace to be present with someone else’s experience without taking it on as my own

Empathy - with BOTH self and others - is the key to co-creating and bringing new things to reality. 

So, that’s where this idea originated.  I have conducted over 10,000 hours of focus groups, interviews, co-creation sessions using Empathy, and now I am wondering:  "Why can’t these tools be shifted and used outside the focus group setting to design a more meaningful life with each other?” 

So now my why for growth is different – it’s more meaningful.  I have a vision of creating deeper connections, greater collaborations, and ultimately more joy and meaning in the world.

That’s why I want to create tools, a useful system or process….but I need your help. 

I’m not going to do any more navel gazing. I want to know what’s wanted (what the bigger need or desire is) because if I can understand that, I can customize Made With Empathy ™ so that it’s helping achieve what is most wanted.

If you’re interested, please answer these few questions about what would make Made With Empathy™ tools most meaningful to you - Click here.  

Let’s see where this Idea takes us…

How Increased Empathy Gave Me a Beautiful, Fresh Start

I have spent most of my career using empathy to help connect and translate people’s emotions for the purpose building brands. 

I love helping brands connect the dots based on the emotional desires of their consumer. It not only helps brands with their internal marketing, it also facilitates consumers to get more of what they want.

Someone recently used the word "bridge builder” as a way to encapsulate what it is I do - yes, that’s what it is.  And “bridge building" requires empathy.  To be a successful focus group moderator, you must exude empathy.  It must pour from your pores.  You must listen with presence, curiosity, and use that curiosity to co-create new ideas.  

When you “feel” what others feel and use the power of your brain to create new questions and connections, co-creation occurs in a very meaningful way.  Whereas, if your mind is distracted and not listening, you can’t really ask relevant questions.  Both your head and your heart have to be listening in conjunction with each other in order to co-create something new with others.

While I am hyper vigilant about these things in my work, my personal life, it appears, is a different story sometimes. When I am out of this controlled “focus group" setting, I recognize it is more difficult to be empathetic because it is more difficult to be present.  

Much of the time in my personal life, I lean into wanting to change some aspect of what’s going on in the present -  I want others to show up in a different way than they are or perhaps “be" different than who they are being.  And my divorce has taught me that I can’t control anyone else’s thoughts, behaviors or ways of being…except my own.  

So, how did this increase empathy and creativity for me?  Because I am beginning to see the value of using my “focus group” skills in my own life.  

Here are the connections I made to help transfer the automatic empathy skills I use weekly in controlled “focus group" settings to my personal life with my daughter:

1. Creating Space Allows Presence - The reason focus groups work well for deep connection is because you purposefully create space for people to listen to each other. While I am great at creating space for others, it wasn’t until lately that I began to create some space for myself. I remember one night a few months ago when we had some spare time, I was just sitting, doing nothing except observing my daughter play. I wasn’t on my phone, or watching a movie, I was just sitting, watching, being present with her. She was talking to herself - in an imaginary scenario. As I listened to her, I started thinking about who she is becoming, what it must be like to be her. I saw her outside of me in a new way.

2. Presence Moves you From Anxiety into Curiosity

   1. As I sat, present with her, really seeing her, seeing past my own pain, I began getting curious about my daughter’s pain. If you haven’t been through a divorce, it may be hard to empathize with what it’s like. Many people believe it’s a “choice” - and that because you didn’t “work hard enough to save the marriage", the pain and loss is undermined. But divorce is the death of something sacred, and it comes with pain.

   2. I can tell you that the pain and loss combined with the shame and guilt is so consuming that it is difficult to NOT get lost in it. And when you are lost in your own pain, it’s challenging to be present (to empathize) with your children's pain, anyone else’s pain, that is. There’s so much fear - "how am I going to make it on the other side?” "What’s wrong with me?” "How did this happen?” "What is going to happen next?” All of these fearful, anxious thoughts can have one (me, that is) spinning out of control. But this particular night, as I watched her, my curiosity grew. I became curious about who she was being in that moment, about what it must be like to be her.

   3. I realize I didn’t know what it felt like to be her because my parents didn’t go through a divorce when I was young. I never experienced living in 1 home, then moving back and forth to 2 homes. I got curious in that moment while looking at her - wondering what she was feeling, and imagining how heart wrenching it must be, on so many levels, having the world as you knew it disrupted, torn apart.

3. Curiosity Breeds Creativity

   1. The cool thing about curiosity, though, is that it moves you from the fearful limbic part of the brain to the prefrontal cortex, which breeds creativity. With presence, listening, really listening and “feeling into” what the experience is like to be someone else, your brain shifts to creative solutioning.

   2. As I watched her, the questions I asked myself were different -

      1. From Fearful questions - “how will I survive this" TO…

      2. Presence - “How interesting that she stopped playing by herself and tried to pull me into her game"

      3. Curiosity - "I wonder what she needs from me right now?"

      4. Creativity - “What am I going to do about helping her see the beauty in having 2 homes instead of 1?” “How can I show up and be the best I can be as a co-parent in a way that helps her feel safe?”

   3. Suddenly, boom, a new thought allowed me to shift away from my own fearful questions, into solving something for her. That is empathy. That is connectivity, that is creativity. It is what brands… and a deeper connected life is built on.

   4. And the creativity can continue. Now I want to know: "How can I build more of that connection in my life?” And "How can I help my daughter move from fear to curiosity and creative grow?” Moving from surviving to thriving - that’s the problem I am now solving for….how to thrive in what is.

But what does Empathy for others you love actually require?

1. Empathy Requires Neutrality:

   1. I realize how much I judge around me - in a focus group, I am hired, primarily because I am considered a neutral 3rd party. It’s hard for people within a company, brand, etc. to ask neutral questions to their customer audience - for example: “You do like this idea, don’t you?” 🙂. These questions don’t allow co-creation, they create stagnancy. Instead, they hire a neutral moderator to simply “be with” their customers - allowing for greater understanding, deeper emotional connection because people open up to those who give them a compassionate, neutral space to be in. When they feel judged, or that their answers will be “wrong”, they stop talking.

   2. As I sat with my daughter that night, I was just with her as she was telling me what she needed. I allowed her to speak, and I didn’t try to change or correct or shift what she was saying. I also didn’t throw myself into the more normal judgment of myself - instead of blaming myself, I allowed space for me to stay with her, without judgment. I resisted the urge to encourage her, shift her thinking, give her a new perspective, all of the things I normally do to “help” her. And I resisted the urge to self-flagellate “how could I do this to her?” “I”m the worst mom.” “She’ll never recover.” Remaining neutral created a little "magical moment for mama and daughter” for us BOTH to see that I could in fact, be neutral, and truly empathetic without having to “fix or solve” it. What a concept just to hold space for her.

2. Empathy Requires “Being with” Strong Emotion Without Resistance:

   1. Because I stayed in the space with her, she likely felt more at ease. Suddenly she began crying, telling me how she was feeling. Instead of doing what I normally would do - try to change her feelings or solve them for her (or go further into self-shaming), I was led to just hug her, and as she calmed, say how I WAS FEELING. And because I had been present with her, I was aware of my feelings too.

   2. I could suddenly with clarity articulate all the unsaid things I had been feeling for months. "I’m so so sorry, sweet girl. I’m so sorry your parents are not able to make 1 home work so that you live with consistency. But I want you know that you are safe. I want you to understand how loved you are - by both of us. I want you to feel the beautiful unicorn creature that you are - a beautiful flower, that when opened, will change the world. You will change the world, sweet Autumn, and I will see you do it. I will sit in honor at your beauty. And we will never stop loving you. Your mom and dad are imperfect, but we love you to the moon and back. You are a masterpiece and I participated in creating you, and I am proud of it."

   3. She looked at me, silent. Without a word, she took it in. Then she dried her eyes and smiled her unicorn smile and said - “ok, I think I’m ready to do something else now - do you want to play like you’re the daughter and I’m the mom and we live in a castle, and then ….. and then… and then…..?” And I said "Yes, I am ready. I am ready to play with you.” (But only for 15 minutes…. 🙂 )

That moment was special, addictive. New.  

Oddly, I felt more in control being present with her in that way than I do most days. The days I’m trying to gain control over her, the days we bicker or I’m "trying to get her to pick up her shoes already.”  Maybe presence is where I have the most control, for when I am (in these rare but precious moments) present with what is happening right in front of me, I feel like the world is an oyster and pearls appear. And every pearl is a fresh start.

The Challenge and Reward of Learning How to Let Go

Many of us have been inspired by the Marie Kondo movement - letting go of what doesn’t bring us joy, especially when the Netflix series appeared last fall.  For years, I have appreciated the idea of “the life changing magic of tidying up”.  

However, my tidying up process evidently needed an overhaul because that’s what I got!  A super size dose of what it means to “tidy up” in a big way.

I let go of the vision of what I wanted my family to look like

• I let go of over-functioning in some of my relationships

• I let go of a lot of blame and shame

• I let go of the disappointment of some of my dreams not coming into reality

• I let go of emotional suppression

• I let go of the home where my daughter was born and raised for the first 8 years of her life

• I let go of a lot of “stuff” that was in my home and in storage

Yes, it has been a season of letting go.

I just read today (from Marc and Angel Hack Life) that “..letting go is not giving up.  Letting go is surrendering any obsessive attachment to particular people, outcomes and situations.”

The beauty in letting go is this - it breeds fertile ground for new life.

 I never really understood the truth of that until this last year.  I have struggled with letting go.  Up until now, it has been challenging for me to let go because I feel more in control when I hold on tight.  I subconsciously believe that if I can just hold on tight enough, then everything will be ok.  I want to hold on to everything around me.  To the things I have collected, to my people, to everything in my world.  

After a year of a challenging separation and divorce, I was faced this last summer with moving out of the home we had lived in for 10 years, trying to determine what to do with all of the “stuff” that had been collected, including 2 storage units of office furniture.  

You see, our company used to office in a ~1000 sq. foot office.  But a couple of years ago, I had big visions for the space I wanted for our little company.  And to achieve being able to afford a "bigger space", I moved our team to a virtual working arrangement (temporarily, I thought).  So, we rented 2 storage units to store all of the office belongings and our team all began working separately from home.  I believed and had visioned we would have an “expanded” space eventually - one where we could hold “ideation” and focus group sessions.  And all the while, our "beloved office belongings” had been hanging ever so patiently in 2 storage units, as our work and lives went on….

What I didn’t realize was that all of the office “stuff” I had been storing as well as the overflow in my house represented soooo much other emotional baggage I had been holding on to as well.

The process for letting go of that stuff was painful.  It forced me to take a look globally at everything I was holding onto. I had to get face to face with the big dreams I once had, the ones I hardly even knew were there.  The whole process was symbolic for everything I felt about the failure of my marriage - heartache, grief, pain and shame.

But here’s what’s interesting about the letting go process.

1. Letting Go requires Presence - you can’t really choose what you will let go of and what you will hold onto unless you get really present with how you feel about everything individual thing in your space. You have to come face to face with whatever you’ve been suppressing - the fact that you made the choice to purchase it, regret for not using it, guilt for the money spent on it, and everything else in between.

2. Letting Go is therapeutic - because it’s chaotic, because it brings up stored emotions you didn’t know were there, it actually helps you release stored pain.

3. Releasing allows Freedom to Begin Again - then, you get to make a new choice - what’s great about making new choices Is that it brings with it a sense of freedom.

4. Removal of physical clutter facilitates Renewal - I never realized how much subconscious clutter I had going on, rattling away in some region of my mind because I was holding on tightly to physical “clutter” I could no longer see.

5. There is Healing on the Other Side - I like systems, processes, things that “line up”, are predictable. And letting go creates unpredictable feelings. That IS part of the process, and the only way to the other side is through it.

What I learned from the process:

1. Burning paper items was a surprisingly cathartic way to let go - and much less expensive than my therapy. The releasing that occurred when I went through many old boxes of stored papers - everything from old “data” from my early years of work in my 20’s to old love letters from elementary, middle and high school friends/boyfriends - was burned. So many things that are unimportant but somehow subconsciously attached - gone. I smile again just thinking about that.

2. Talking openly with a compassionate friend about what I was experiencing helped lessen the pain, guilt and shame I was facing. It also gave way to several ideas and happenings that never would have existed otherwise:

1. One friend told me about a company who does estate sales. They came in, took a commission for a % of the total made, and they handled the whole thing. For us, it was extremely rewarding.

2. I brought my daughter into the process by telling her she got to decide what she kept at dads, what she wanted to take with us, and what she wanted to let go of. I told her everything of hers was her choice and whatever money we made, we would go on a special trip of her choosing with the money we made. We are going to Paris in 2 weeks with the money we made :)!!!!

3. Doing that made the emotional pain easier because we had a goal, an incentive for letting go as well as a semi-pain free way to logistically make things go away.

And so the benefit of letting go for me has been like tilling up the soil before planting - it brings forth soil that is rich and ready for new life.  It is open, and waiting. 

I feel new life coming in some days.  Other days I just wait.  Ever so slowly and somedays magically, I am seeing things being brought in - because now there is space to enjoy it, to revel in it, to see it, notice it, be grateful for it. 

Yes, I am grateful for the “fall” of this season.  And of my daughter, Autumn, who helps me understand with full clarity what to hold on to…albeit a little looser each day. 

Essential Oils for Everything

I have become a little obsessed with essential oils starting a few years ago, increasingly so in the last few months.  I’ll be honest, the whole essential oil thing was all a little overwhelming and confusing at first.  Some oils could be used topically, some should be diffused, still others should be taken internally.  There were so many oils and so little time to understand what, when and how to use them.  Little by little, I have found some routines that have stuck and am now officially on the bandwagon.

Here are a few of my favorites and how I use them:  

1. Serenity – my daughter uses this as a part of her nighttime ritual, rubbing it on her neck, chest and feet to help her relax (we put about 10 drops of it with fractionated coconut oil. I also put ~5 drops directly into my bathwater along 4 cups of Epsom salt.

2. Frankincense – People claim this to be “the king of oils” because of its long history of healing properties but it’s expensive so I typically use this more sparingly but often by mixing a few drops in both my face and body lotions.

3. Past Tense – one of our team members, Shelley Miller, first introduced this to me a few years ago and I swear by it. Rubbing this on the back of my neck can reduce tension and give a refreshed feeling for hours. I love this!

4. Lemon, Slim & Sassy and Peppermint blend – Recently, I got creative and decided to create a mix of the best tasting oils. I used a partially empty bottle of Lemon and eye-balled it, putting equal parts of all 3 in the bottle. I use it daily, all day, dropping a few drops in every bottle of water. It’s refreshing, helps me get my water intake daily, and I notice feeling better. Tip: use a klean kanteen, swell or other bottle - not a plastic one.

5. OnGuard Beadlets– we have made it through the seasonal season with only 2 days of a high temperature (crossing my fingers as I write) and I believe one of the reasons is because of our preventative daily dose of 5 beadlets. It’s anti-bacterial and germ-destroying properties are keeping our bodies from full on attack thus far.

6. Emotional blends (Motivate, Peace, Cheer & Forgive) – these are a few of the ones I use. I love having them with me so that when I’m going into a high-pressure meeting, all day research, or just need to get myself in gear to focus, I use these to trigger the mood I want to move me forward. We love them so much, we gave these out as our Christmas gifts this year and they were a hit. Here are the cards we made along with them!

Motivate is an encouraging blend with elements of peppermint, citrus, and spices which help with feeling confident and courageous. 

Peace is a reassuring blend, which uses floral and mint scents to help cultivate feelings of tranquility and comfort. 

Cheer is an uplifting blend with a bright, fresh aroma that lifts spirits and creates positivity. 

Forgive is a rejuvenating blend that brings about relief and patience. The woodsy scent sooths strained nerves, helping heal through contentment. 

How to Make this Valentine's Day One to Remember

When we decided to write a blog for Valentine’s Day, my first thought was “how are we going to talk about love in a way that’s interesting, non-cliché and meaningful? 

Then, I asked myself: “what would I want to read?”  I want to read bullet points, ideas that are easy to act on, or could bring about a shift in my thinking. On a day where there is so much expectation about love, I wanted to write something that could go beyond a “significant other”.

So, the more questions I asked, the more I realized this blog should really be about key questions to ask on Valentine’s Day.  And as a researcher, this just felt better anyway!  So, here goes my list of Valentine’s Day questions as food for thought – along with some resources that helped me answer my questions!!

1. What would happen if I smiled at everyone I saw today?  
2. How would I feel if I complimented someone I admire?  
3. Why is there so much talk about “self-love” being a precursor to loving others? 
4. What are the things that make my heart happy? 
5. How can I be more kind to people who really irk me? 
6. How can I find time in my crazy schedule to spend more time with people I love? 
7. What can I do to love more and stress less? Thank you, my dear fellow Texan, Brene Brown, for your poignant quote, downloadable here. 
8. What can help give me an immediate lift of joy?

Road Stories on how Married Couples Stop Doing Business Together Lesson #4

They say that you’ll never know until you try. This is a story of trying and failing, but then knowing, and ultimately, growing.

Last year, Lloyd and I decided we were going to start working together, under the same business. My business. We had some stories to tell about that along the way. January 1st, 2017 marked the date we decided to make this intentional shift. January 1st, 2018 was our first and only business anniversary, because we’ve decided to pull the plug on this married couple working together thing.

What we are beginning to get comfortable with is that while it felt like a failure at first, in away it can be seen as a success. We have learned new things about ourselves and each other by choosing to do this. And we may have always wondered "what if?", if we had been too fearful of the "heat".  Well, we took the heat, and it nearly cooked the marriage!

How did that happen? Let’s unpack that, and the lessons learned:

Lesson #1:  The Most Efficient Way to Learn is to “Fail”

I realized that I have been living my life for a long time in a tight box.  One that I had created and “felt safe” in.  I have been scared for so long to try something new, risky and “unknown.”  And trying to make a go of us working together was all of that. It certainly wasn’t comfortable the last year and yet, here we are a year later, with more clarity and passion for what we do want than we have been in 10 years of marriage!  So, if I think of this in terms of “efficiency”, we got more out of 1 year of failing than we had of 9 years of staying in status quo.  I loved Will Smith’s video about “failing forward” here:

Click here to subscribe for more motivational videos like this: http://bit.ly/2kKvbSH An incredible motivational speech from Will Smith on failure - fail early, fail often & fail forward! Go check out his insta if you haven't already!

Lesson #2: “Positioning” Matters when it comes to Job Titles

When we started, we agreed that the “right role” for Lloyd was General Manager & Data Doctor, and our assumption going in is that his savant skills at creating business analytics solutions would easily translate into creating more quantitative Marketing Research projects for us.  And that until we got that business flowing in, Lloyd could run the business operations and manage staff.  What we discovered was this -  what I thought Lloyd’s job descriptions were, was apparently different than what Lloyd thought his job description included.  Interestingly enough, now that we’ve switched gears, and Lloyd is now a “consultant” for the business, I have received more of the work I wanted from him in 2 months than I did in the las 12!  So, I’ll stick with the “consultant” job title all day long – let’s keep that rolling, we have some catching up to do!

Lesson #3: Follow the money.

Shortly after we made the change, Lloyd received some interesting work from a new client doing analytical work. For a while, he was able to do that and help with our business, too.  However, it soon became apparent that it was dividing his attention, and he was not able to fully give himself to our business operations and growth. Despite his client wanting to expand his project, we made the decision to decline the opportunity to give him a clear focus on helping manage, and bring in more research business. In hindsight, this decision didn’t result in new business, although the other path would have. In chasing a new business, we learned the hard way, it’s important to follow where customers are leading you.

Lesson #4: Hold on to what matters most.

It became apparent after awhile, probably after a series of “disagreements”, that this experiment was taking a toll on our marriage. At some point, we had to look up and say, “what really matters most here?”  We both tend to want to do it all, be everything to everybody, and still come out “ahead”.  And maybe that’s still possible but it may not all be possible at the same time.  At least for now, something had to “give”.  We realized how challenging marriage is on its own without intentionally burdening it further, particularly for the sake of doggedly holding to a career choice to build a business together. Love and respect are hard to remember when it’s the end of another long day of working together.

Lesson #5: Be Grateful for the Lessons

There are multiple ways we can look at the lessons we have learned – we can beat ourselves up for taking the plunge even though we were advised not to, we can be mad at each other for not getting what we wanted or needed from the other, we can be sad because here we are starting over yet again with a new plan OR we can just honor where we are and say, “Thank you.  Thank you for the opportunity to learn something new.”  And be at peace with what is.  That’s the lesson - the story I’m going breathe in.

Lesson #6:  Stop Pushing and Start Allowing

I am crazy passionate about all kinds of personal assessments.  In fact, I asked Lloyd to take a Love Languages assessment on about the 5th date! In October, we discovered the Predictive Index assessment and in November, we discovered another assessment called The Harrison Assessment.  Both tools can create a “match” against behaviors of the test taker and the behaviors needed for “the job.”  The PI tool started opening our eyes to something not "quite being a fit", and then the Harrison tool completed the picture. The way we were operating was not a fit for our behavior style preferences.  Now, maybe those who know us best could have told us that without all of the assessments…but there’s nothing like seeing data and having your eyes opened from an unbiased perspective.  That was what helped us understand it was time to stop pushing what we wanted and to start allowing “what is.”  So, on to creating more based on our strengths.  I am more ready than ever to create a life and business that’s right FOR ME.  And Lloyd is more motivated to do that which is right FOR HIM.  Check. 

While we may create something together in the future, we know this time, we will do so with open eyes and more awareness of what we both want and need from it.