4 Surprising Reasons to Dream even if they do not come true

I have been thinking lately about the journey I’ve been on – where I am in life vs the way I envisioned it.  I realize how little things look exactly like I thought they would.  I have always had a vivid imagination.  I can envision details in my head for the future as if they’re real – they are crystal clear details.  It’s interesting, though, how few of the things I envisioned became reality to the exact level of detail I imagined it. For example, I had vivid imaginations way before I ever got pregnant that my daughter would have red hair.  However, that, like many of my visions, did not become so.

When I first started my business back in the summer of 2008, another business owner told me about a space that had opened up for a small business in an old historic three-story 1920s home in uptown Dallas.  I was convinced to rent a room up in the attic of that old home only a few months after I had officially “opened” my business doors, just before the market tanked that year.

 The reason I got so excited about this little office space is because it was an attic with two rooms on either side of its old rickety staircase. One of the rooms had a closet converted into a viewing space with a one-way mirror. Not because the owner was creepy but because she was a child counselor and utilized her space years ago for her practice.

So, I got big ideas that in this down market in 2008, I was going to conduct cost effective “quick and dirty” focus groups on a dime.  Looking back on that now, I’m not really sure why I thought it was a good idea to believe marketing teams of Fortune 100 companies would want to conduct marketing research, trekking up 3 flights of stairs to a small space where they all had to fit into a tiny closet to watch the groups.  Even in the down market of 2008, I’m not seeing now what I saw then.

Approximately 2 people could fit in that tiny viewing closet comfortably, but I didn’t concern myself with those “tiny” details. I could see it, I could vision doing focus groups there.

 I bought desks, a conference style table, six chairs at IKEA along with a cute little “waiting room” chair -  all on a $500 budget  - and I started telling everyone who would listen about it. I got so excited that I created a brochure about my space trying to market how easy it would be to conduct focus groups there. Well, fast forward 17 years and I never held one damn focus group there. 

I’m telling you the story for 3 reasons:

1.     The Dream hasn’t changed:  I still have a dream today to conduct group sessions and empathy interviews in my own space. And now I know that it doesn’t have to look like I thought it would. In fact, now it could just look like having a green screen behind me and being able to pull together people on a zoom call.  I still believe I could realize a dream to have my own space for small focused group interactions. 

2.     The Dream moves You forward: Having the dream moved me forward with a lot of amazing opportunities that were better than what I could have imagined.  Because I was excited about what I was doing, I was able to pick up clients I had never dreamed of working with.  And the path offered a direction that propelled me forward to realize many beautiful experiences that may not have happened if I had not chosen to create an office space in that little attic space…. with a big dream.

3.     Our Dreams are Ours - they are our soul’s knocking on the door of our brains saying “don’t forget that I’m here.”  The intuition you have inside of you about what your heart desires is data, it is truth.  No one has to validate what is inside of you, it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else.  It’s our job alone to unite our head and heart together to refine, work with, and act on our dreams. It is our freedom to do that – to choose our dreams or not.

4.     Our Dreams increase our Empathy for others– believe it or not, exercising the “muscle” of imagination helps us see and feel what it might be like for others.  When we can imagine another world other than our own, especially when it’s very different that our current reality, we are better able to empathize with others in a new way.  One of my favorites, Angela Duckworth, speaks about a “debate” she had on this subject here.

As you dare to dream, to imagine, remember that imagination does not originate from the same place as fear. How you execute that dream eventually may shift alter and change. While I never realized the dream of doing focus groups in that small attic space, I know that because I started dreaming about it, it actually lifted me to a place where I could handle the many rejections and confused looks when I suggested we should do focus groups in a hot Texas attic closet with a small one-way mirror.  

 My dreams allowed me to carry on because I could see it so clearly. It takes space and willingness to look under the covers to pick your dreams back up. I encourage you to do that as I’m encouraging myself to do that these days.  I have ben re-learning the act of using my imagination. 

How does the voice talking inside your head make you feel?  If you are feeling fear, anxiety, worry, stress as you dream, notice that.

And notice the difference in how that feels vs. when you feel alive, excited, hopeful, driven. These feelings can serve as a guide as your’e honing your vision. 

It will help you uncover which voice is talking – the fear voice or the voice of your soul. 

Then choose which voice makes you feel better.

There’s a reason that Step 2 in our Empathy Co-Creation™ process is “Imagine” – it’s because it propels you forward allowing you to become empathetic to yourself and others as you enter into the unknown “messy middle” of whatever you’re creating.

If you’re interested in learning more about our tools to help you develop a powerful vision, you can sign up for our email list here.

How to Create Space and Connection in a Virtual World Like a Teacher

I resisted being a teacher.  Although my undergraduate degree was in Education, I swiftly pulled the plug on that deal after my student teaching semester.  Up until now, I’ve never identified as a teacher, and I’m starting to understand why.

Instead, I have strongly identified as a “marketing researcher,” which really doesn’t mean much to a vast majority of the population.  But recently, I have had this overwhelming pull to “teach” something I see as a need.  The need to teach: why and how empathy can facilitate creating things that matter.

As a marketing researcher, I have spent the majority of my career unearthing people’s emotional desires and tensions to help brands speak to their customers in a way that can alter choice. 

Big brands do that because they know:  people make decisions based on emotional desires and frustrations (even when they think they are making decisions with rationale).

Recently, I have been playing with the idea of using empathy to better connect with oneself and each other for the purpose of helping individuals and organizations create more of what matters.

It started with a question - “what if the empathetic marketing research process could be turned inward so that individuals and small groups could unearth their own and other’s emotions to create more of whatever matters in their own lives?”

It has been more of a challenge than I thought to learn how to take this concept out of marketing research, and into real life connections. 

This summer, I pulled together a group of women beta testers to review my initial “online course” and who I consider to be:

1.     B@dass in their careers

2.     Brilliant in their thinking

3.     Big-hearted

As the process unfolded, I saw the need to do more than just the learning content and to help them “help each other” with “support sessions” for their creative project.  Naively, I thought that bringing together a “focus group” for their individual support should come naturally for me – facilitating the unearthing of emotions to help them tap into their power and create from that is “what I do”, I told myself. 

 But as time grew nearer to our first session, I realized why I never became a teacher: I have anxiety of losing control of a group’s dynamics and worry they would self-destruct. 

This had nothing to do with the group - it comes from my own fear of not feeling safe with others who are smart. I fear judgment, or perhaps seen as crazy, or possibly unseen or unheard.  

And while that may seem a little extreme, these fears center around what I have seen throughout my life - of people who “care” for each other. And in their “care”, destroy one another in a group setting.  Doing things like shutting people down, “teaching” the one who is vulnerable, over-spiritualizing or becoming the educator, over “sympathizing” or coaching or cheerleading. 

All of these things may be well-intentioned, yet they do not foster the safety that is needed for full expression; instead, they shut it down.  Nothing new can be created when people are emotionally shut down, afraid to say what they really think or feel.  And nothing new can be created when those creating are feeling judged.  True creation happens in the space of empathy.  For empathy allows creation to unfold. 

 That is why I believe if we are going to truly “be” with each other authentically, we must learn to show up as our “empathetic self” vs. our “caring self.”  When this happens, heart-activated solutions present themselves.

For 17+ years in focus groups, I have created a “container” of space in a controlled environment – one where people feel safe enough to openly express their opinions.  As a result, I have been witness to really cool creations.

But it’s one thing to create a safe “container” in a controlled environment, especially when it’s with a group of strangers.  In some ways, getting strangers to connect authentically in a deep way is easy because there is little to no fear of loss of future connection.  It’s a one and done conversation.  Plus, the ones who are actually creating based on emotions are behind the glass.

 It’s quite another to guide others who intend to create for and with each other, and have potential fears associated with emotional exposure to be with each other safely, especially in a virtual environment such as Zoom. 

It’s more complicated when you begin diving into more authentic conversations with people you care about. Because when you are helping a group form for deeper connection and creativity you must also be with multiple levels of “emotion” – your own, each individual member and the group as a whole.  

So, I put together an overarching way to think about the Empathetic Self vs. the Caring Self – and why the caring self does not foster the creativity needed, while the empathetic self does.

Considering I have formed a career doing this, I was shocked at how new it felt to create a container for others to be with others.  I struggled afterwards - with my own feelings of shame and disconnection because I wanted to “do better” at simultaneously guiding each member to contribute with “empathy” WHILE keeping the whole group’s energy focused toward the heart instead of the mind.

It’s one thing to create connection, it’s quite another to be connected while teaching it – especially in an empathetic way for myself.  Doing so requires all at the same time:

1.     Creating connection between the emotions of each individual, the one sharing and the group as a whole

2.     Redirecting positively– so each member can stay in emotional conversation

3.     Navigating technology – creating virtual energy

4.     Creating guardrails for emotional presence.

5.     Being present with my own emotions as I danced between creating control over the group’s comfort vs. surrender and trust to the individuals in the process

I realize how much I, too, struggle with being present in my heart rather than my head when I am trying to teach something.  

Here’s what I discovered.  I need to:

1.     Slow down.   When teaching something, I must break things down a bit more – I notice my reluctance to want to be the expert and prefer to ask questions than “talk too much.”  I prefer to just jump in and do it; that’s my learning style and assume it’s others, too.  So, after a quick recap of the thinking, we jumped into the process. I realized afterwards that it would have made everyone feel more comfortable practicing asking open-ended questions if I had given some examples of the type of questions that take people to their heart vs. their mind.

2.     Simplify, then Define each step.  I used words like “Insight” and “Brainstorm” and realized as I was running down the field toward the goal, I might be the only one who knew where the ball was!  Someone asked if I could define an insight – and suddenly my own insight appeared – “Ohhh, I thought to myself.  Defining insight would help everyone understand more clearly WHY it’s important to uncover emotional understanding, not just behaviors.  Because an Insight is the aha moment when one can gain an accurate and deep intuitive understanding of a person or thing. When Empathy and Insight come together, deeper connections are made. 

3.     Give the Why – In case you are wondering, it’s not immediately clear in most group settings why you would possibly want to unearth fears, desires, and other feelings. (unless perhaps in group therapy settings).  Because, in most cases, it is quite taboo to express emotions fully.  The opposite is required – keep your emotions in check, bite your tongue, turn the other check, be a stoic.  We are taught at every turn to have “emotional control” so it’s an interesting outlier to have been hired by massive companies for years to do the opposite. Ironic, right?  I’m learning that it is not intuitive as to why there are very good reasons to uncover and be with other’s emotions in a controlled environment.  Teaching others to connect to create through the power of both heart and mind is a part of what needs to be taught. 

4.     Model, Tell a Story and/or Give Examples first.  My style is – ok, here’s the rough swag, now go do it.  Ummm, not helpful when trying to create safe space. As mentioned, emotional unearthing doesn’t necessarily feel “normal”, so easing people into doing new things requires a bit more hand holding than just giving them a bike and pushing them off!   I saw that each step in the process we used needs a further “why” as well as an example or story of how to make it concrete.

5.     Interrupt with integrity (“Yes and…”) I observed myself not being able to stop me as if in a slow motion reel shouting out to myself – “nooooooooooo” as I watched myself jump in to correcting a question.  It’s as if there were 2 parts of me – the part that knew better and the part that was so programmed to do what I do that I just split in half pouring all of my insides on the floor and then attempting to clean up the mess I made.  “Practice what you preach” was the lightbulb moment – it’s one thing to “tell others” to build on what others are saying, using positive builds such as “yes and” and “what if” – but if I don’t give myself the same guardrails or reminder, I just do what I know to do.  I correct the behavior.  And correction is not necessarily what the process is all about, is it?  No, it’s not. 

So, back to teachers.  I wonder how many are struggling with this same need to keep the classes learning (with their mind) and yet emotionally engaged (with their heart) on some level to create work in this new world.  We are in a new era of heart and mind working together.  And it’s not easy for any of us.

And yet, I am grateful to learn what I am trying to teach - correction via judgment is less important than connection via empathy and surrender of control.  It is through the connection to ourselves and others that we will pierce through the pain into creation with strength, love and resilience.

Made With Empathy™ because now is the time to make more things with empathy

A few years ago, amidst exhaustion, burnout, and a desire to do something meaningful with less energy, I started down the path of creating an online course.  At the time, I thought this course I wanted to create should teach micro business owners to brand their business by going through the same research process large corporations use to create mass brands.  

I have been facilitating brand and product innovation research for over 17 years.  So, I set out to create this course, blind to what I thought I knew about all the things it takes to create something, and naive about what I didn’t - ironic, huh.  I went through a small business program to help develop the idea. I enlisted friends, clients, and other resources to help me “figure it out.”   I took a 1 week trip to Tulum, Mexico by myself to draft the whole course.  I did my own marketing research with my target audience (thanks to Fieldwork- for letting me host my own groups without charge).  I participated in some of the most popular online courses to learn how to do it, including Amy Porterfield’s, Jeff Walker’s,  Marie Forleo’s and a few others.  I looked back on the first online course I purchased to learn about how to create an online course - and that was 4 years ago, y’all!!!  

That journey, along with a painful divorce left me feeling like an imposter with only a speck of the self-confidence I wanted to emulate.  But now, I’m telling you that, not because I’m ashamed or embarrassed (I used to feel shame that I couldn’t do for myself what i can do for others) but because I want to encourage anyone else who is trying to create something and they feel like they are not making progress - that I TOTALLY get it.

And I’m also saying this because I have learned a few things after spending all of this time, energy and money trying to bring something to life:

1. I didn’t need to change who my clients were, I needed to change who i was being and how I was showing up in my relationship with them.  I found out quickly through my own marketing research that my current clients were the people I know, love and understand.  They are my people.  For a minute, I thought “my people” were others like me, small business owners who were stressed out and crazy.  But NO - trying to help other crazy business owners that are the same crazy as me was not my jam!  I like my clients who are a different crazy than me! I love helping them, I just needed to reframe what mattered to me - what matters is my relationships with them, the connection to what they are working hard to do, as much as the output. I needed to blend what I was looking for - more meaningful creations - with what THEY needed more of - help with taking some of the heavy lifting off their plate, more ideas based on empathy, and solutions to help them move things forward, and a sounding board to set them up for success.

2. I also have more respect than ever for my clients who are in the business of bringing an idea through the process of creation.  It’s one thing to facilitate co-creation for large companies, it’s another thing to work through the process and the heavy lifting of bringing an idea to life - managing the emails, meetings, vendor relationships, peer relationships, or manager and employee relationships.

3. The things I do really well for my clients naturally (empathize, act fast, willing to explore new ideas, connecting the dots, facilitate constructive conversations, and deliver results to move things forward) are the same things I really sucked at doing for myself (up until now).  Once I began doing for myself what I do well for others, it became easier for me to create what I want for myself and others.

4. Bringing this idea into the world has forced me to look within, uncover and dance with all my biggest fears.  It has helped me channel my fears and create a new level of faith - that when things seem unachievable, it’s just a new opportunity for me to reframe my thinking.  Hell, I still don’t know if this idea is going anywhere, but I’m at least willing to try it, in hopes that by putting it out there and receiving feedback, I can learn and try again.

So, with great trepidation and also an exhale of relief that it’s totally ok to fail, I am launching my Made With Empathy™ website.  I’m so determined to check the box and say I did it that I decided to do it myself.  It’s not even close to perfect, but that’s ok.

I feel like i’ve failed a million times at bringing my Made With Empathy™ to life - i’ve wrestled with feeling like its “just a stupid idea” and wondered how it’s going to help anyone.  But the one thing I’ve held onto is this crazy belief that somehow, someway, somewhere, it’s going to be helpful - because although a lot about the idea has changed, my goal with it never has: I want to inspire people to step into their lives bravely to create what matters using a proven process based on empathy.

In the deepest part of me, I knew that every time I walked into a focus group room or created space for a team to ideate, or had a call with a client where I asked the right questions to get to the core of the problem to solve, that this way of being - empathetic being - could be taught to create even more of what matters.

 As I look out across a heavy, saddened enraged world, I can hear my Made With Empathy™ idea saying - “yes, this is what you’ve been creating me for - you created me because you saw a need”.  The need is there.  There’s a need to take the tools, skills, and processes used to innovate products and services and teach leaders, innovators - my clients - how to approach anything they want to create from a place of empathy.

It’s time.  It’s time to make more of what matters with empathy.  I need a problem to solve, and now I can hear the problem screaming so loudly, it’s deafening.

While I don’t know how to solve what’s going on with the current racial climate, i do know this - when my clients don’t know how to solve something and they need to create something new, we come together, design a method to learn what we need to learn through empathetic listening and from that, we begin to innovate and create, then test, and finesse and eventually, we have something new that solves a problem.  

My hope is that MWE can be used to help those smarter than me create solutions efficiently with joy and grace for racial injustice, for corporate “new norms” due to COVID, and for all the new innovations that will be needed to cross the chasm of destruction we are all in to safer ground.

If you’re interested in learning more about the Empathy Co-Creation process, click here.

If you’re interested in a free consultation, you can click here to contact me.

Until we meet up, I am hopeful you are staying well. And breathing deeply.  

And here are a couple of books I am reading now in case it’s a good resource for you:  

1. How to Be an Antiracist

2. Dying of Whitness

As well as this and other articles being published by Greater Good Science Center at Berkeley links to resources I’m finding helpful that correlate with what Made With Empathy™ is about.

6 Emotional Waves from the Great COVID-19 Ocean

As we continue down the COVID-19 journey, I have found myself aching somedays, and rejoicing others. As a way of coping with my own emotions, I decided to do what I normally do - interview others to understand their experience as a way of processing my own.  

I talked to 11 women in-depth over Zoom webcam videos - across life stages, demographics, in the US, Peru, Italy and Argentina to better understand other’s emotional experiences and behavior changes as a result of COVID-19.  Here are a few of many key “themes” or patterns that emerged. Noted: As with all qualitative research, this is not statistically valid.  And I want to note that everyone I talked to had not been impacted by the virus (personally or experienced a loss of a loved one). However, there was a great degree of difference in the economic impact each individual was personally experiencing.

1 ~ Women are “Finally" Free to Feel - 

• One of the most interesting commonalities we saw was the level of unashamed “feelings” they were experiencing.  Most striking to me was the rawness of feeling, ready and available, waiting to be released.  Like a faucet with a super charged nozzle.

• Ironically, this is unlike my 17+ years of experience interviewing women, where emotions lay dormant and suppressed waiting for enough space and gentle nudging in order for emotions to surface.  

• What time and social distancing has given to women is something unprecedented - the ability to experience the fullness of themselves - the freedom to feel their feelings.

2 ~ Individual Preference Trumps Group Norms

• Women are accustomed to turning to others to help “figure out the unknown.” Google, friends, family and co-workers, have previously provided answers when women embark on something new - whether a new mom, learning a new recipe, or how to start a business. 

• But now, with no “map”, women are relying on their own self-sufficiency to “figure it out.”  The women I spoke to have been relegated to figure out a new world without a map or guidebook in every level of their lives – whether it’s home schooling, learning new technologies in record speed, working virtually with competing demands, juggling basic needs - new food, sleep, and shelter norms, elderly and/or sick parents, how to shop, interact, do social “touches”- it is all being reconfigured.

• And there’s not an answer on Google for “how to best do it.” When they do find a source for guidance, it usually differs from another source’s best recommendation.   They are “playing by the rules put upon them” and working out new, original ways to solve their own problems.

  1. Small business owner mediating between 2 experts she hired - an attorney and a CPA - to “figure out” how to secure a loan to keep employees paid.

  2. Expat in Peru learning to “dry” clothes without a dryer while "working out" with filled water bottles.

  3. Working mom who is learning to cook for the first time without recipes using snacks and ingredients she has at home.

3 ~ Experiencing the Extreme is Creating a Space for Emotional Balance

• Because women are beginning to experience the fullness of their emotions - what is left in the wake of the emotional waves is a space for balance, “the in between.”  

• They spoke of so many paradoxes - beautiful gifts and horrific nightmares simultaneously, which causes extreme feelings –

  1. “joyful moments I haven’t been able to sit with before”

  2. “Justified anger that typically I would question but now I know it’s true and I don’t have to self-blame.”  

  3. "Deep sadness because seeing the loss all around me brings me to my knees."  

All of this in such a small space of time appears to create an opening, a space, a pinhole for which to see the world in a more balanced way.  It’s creating a window to see all of it - more conceptually.  More holistically, more balanced.

4 ~ The Great Leveler is Self-Empathy

• These women appear to empathize at a new level – first for themselves. 

  •  I saw more compassion for others than judgment.

  • I saw more questions instead of answers. 

• And as these women questioned everything and felt everything, their eyes seemed to open fully to OTHER’s emotions. 

• Interestingly, those who are experiencing a greater loss of physical freedom are still wanting greater empathy. “When I see my co-workers in the US talk about how hard it is while they are taking pictures outdoors in nature with their kids, I think to myself it’s not the same as it is here where I am on permanent lockdown and can’t leave the house without permission papers and on certain days – I wish they could see that.”  

• As they fully saw and experienced their own experience, they began to also see and feel through the eyes of other’s more deeply. 

  • “You have to embrace your own vulnerability in order to understand what other’s problems are.” 

  • “I feel for those who are in the front line, what it must be like for them.  I can hardly deal with my own prison, let alone being fearful daily of my own life.”

• The depth they were feeling their own emotions appears to correlate with the depth they were able to feel compassion vs. judgment for others.

  • “I wish they could see what a great time this is to experience their children.” 

  Vs.

  • “I am learning to be ok to just have a little cry every day to get it out of my system vs. taking the impossible moral high grounds.”

5 ~ Time is the Great Catalyst for Women Leaders to Rise Up

We didn’t recruit leaders specifically but it’s interesting that in all the interviews, regardless of age/stage, whether they were stay at home moms, running a business, retired or laid off: They were showing up for themselves and their family as holistic leaders in a way that they normally ONLY show up for others. These women were natural leaders in this crisis. This is a crisis that for some, is giving them something they need most: time to reflect.

1. This time appears to be giving women the ability to go inward, experience their emotions, and integrate that with their pragmatic minds in a way that solves holistically for everyone in their world.

2. Ironically, as these women used their "extra me time" to solve first and foremost for what they need, they were also solving for bigger problems as well:

   1. A stay at home wife of an expat confined to her apartment for over 30 days created a private Facebook group allowing others to share ideas and positivity because she is needing to find connection outside her 4 walls.

   2. A C-level leader in the financial industry is pushing back to her leadership, standing up for herself and employees due to “justified anger” by creating a conversation for “more down time” and greater connection virtually outside of “work mode.”

   3. A retired veteran's wife is creating opportunities for her neighborhood by facilitating ways for neighbor kids to connect at a distance because she is fueled by her need to see her grandkids.

   4. An entrepreneur is purchasing cupcakes from a local bakery and sending “goodies” to her clients because she is marrying her own need to stay in business with hope for her fellow local business owners.

3. These women are simultaneously finding ways to put salve on their inner emotional world while sending ripple effects into their outer world because they have more time.

6 ~ New Behaviors Emerging - Simultaneous Deeper Connection with Online & Nature

1. Ironically, this has created both a need for deeper connection with nature along with a deeper comfort with online connection.  

2. Those 2 things have traditionally not worked together in unison, but in this case, the need to connect online - with peers, students, teachers, friends, family, and work associates - has created a bigger need to be outside more than ever before.  

   1. “The best part of my day is walking outdoors with my kids at 3:00 when we all need a break.”  

   2. “I don’t know if I’ll ever want to meet up for happy hour again when I can do it just as easily from my living room.”  

3. These are 2 new behaviors that will likely continue because it’s a surprise to feel so emotionally connected with nature and to connect emotionally with others via “online socializing.”   

So, these are just a few things I am digesting. I am also thinking about new ways to frame up “emotional needs” states, as well as next step implications and questions companies will need to address - both from a consumer lens as well as an organizational lens.   

Here’s the greatest learning I’m getting - who we decide to “be” (as families, communities, organizations, and countries) is going to be as or more  important going forward than what we decide to “do”.