4 Surprising Reasons to Dream even if they do not come true

I have been thinking lately about the journey I’ve been on – where I am in life vs the way I envisioned it.  I realize how little things look exactly like I thought they would.  I have always had a vivid imagination.  I can envision details in my head for the future as if they’re real – they are crystal clear details.  It’s interesting, though, how few of the things I envisioned became reality to the exact level of detail I imagined it. For example, I had vivid imaginations way before I ever got pregnant that my daughter would have red hair.  However, that, like many of my visions, did not become so.

When I first started my business back in the summer of 2008, another business owner told me about a space that had opened up for a small business in an old historic three-story 1920s home in uptown Dallas.  I was convinced to rent a room up in the attic of that old home only a few months after I had officially “opened” my business doors, just before the market tanked that year.

 The reason I got so excited about this little office space is because it was an attic with two rooms on either side of its old rickety staircase. One of the rooms had a closet converted into a viewing space with a one-way mirror. Not because the owner was creepy but because she was a child counselor and utilized her space years ago for her practice.

So, I got big ideas that in this down market in 2008, I was going to conduct cost effective “quick and dirty” focus groups on a dime.  Looking back on that now, I’m not really sure why I thought it was a good idea to believe marketing teams of Fortune 100 companies would want to conduct marketing research, trekking up 3 flights of stairs to a small space where they all had to fit into a tiny closet to watch the groups.  Even in the down market of 2008, I’m not seeing now what I saw then.

Approximately 2 people could fit in that tiny viewing closet comfortably, but I didn’t concern myself with those “tiny” details. I could see it, I could vision doing focus groups there.

 I bought desks, a conference style table, six chairs at IKEA along with a cute little “waiting room” chair -  all on a $500 budget  - and I started telling everyone who would listen about it. I got so excited that I created a brochure about my space trying to market how easy it would be to conduct focus groups there. Well, fast forward 17 years and I never held one damn focus group there. 

I’m telling you the story for 3 reasons:

1.     The Dream hasn’t changed:  I still have a dream today to conduct group sessions and empathy interviews in my own space. And now I know that it doesn’t have to look like I thought it would. In fact, now it could just look like having a green screen behind me and being able to pull together people on a zoom call.  I still believe I could realize a dream to have my own space for small focused group interactions. 

2.     The Dream moves You forward: Having the dream moved me forward with a lot of amazing opportunities that were better than what I could have imagined.  Because I was excited about what I was doing, I was able to pick up clients I had never dreamed of working with.  And the path offered a direction that propelled me forward to realize many beautiful experiences that may not have happened if I had not chosen to create an office space in that little attic space…. with a big dream.

3.     Our Dreams are Ours - they are our soul’s knocking on the door of our brains saying “don’t forget that I’m here.”  The intuition you have inside of you about what your heart desires is data, it is truth.  No one has to validate what is inside of you, it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else.  It’s our job alone to unite our head and heart together to refine, work with, and act on our dreams. It is our freedom to do that – to choose our dreams or not.

4.     Our Dreams increase our Empathy for others– believe it or not, exercising the “muscle” of imagination helps us see and feel what it might be like for others.  When we can imagine another world other than our own, especially when it’s very different that our current reality, we are better able to empathize with others in a new way.  One of my favorites, Angela Duckworth, speaks about a “debate” she had on this subject here.

As you dare to dream, to imagine, remember that imagination does not originate from the same place as fear. How you execute that dream eventually may shift alter and change. While I never realized the dream of doing focus groups in that small attic space, I know that because I started dreaming about it, it actually lifted me to a place where I could handle the many rejections and confused looks when I suggested we should do focus groups in a hot Texas attic closet with a small one-way mirror.  

 My dreams allowed me to carry on because I could see it so clearly. It takes space and willingness to look under the covers to pick your dreams back up. I encourage you to do that as I’m encouraging myself to do that these days.  I have ben re-learning the act of using my imagination. 

How does the voice talking inside your head make you feel?  If you are feeling fear, anxiety, worry, stress as you dream, notice that.

And notice the difference in how that feels vs. when you feel alive, excited, hopeful, driven. These feelings can serve as a guide as your’e honing your vision. 

It will help you uncover which voice is talking – the fear voice or the voice of your soul. 

Then choose which voice makes you feel better.

There’s a reason that Step 2 in our Empathy Co-Creation™ process is “Imagine” – it’s because it propels you forward allowing you to become empathetic to yourself and others as you enter into the unknown “messy middle” of whatever you’re creating.

If you’re interested in learning more about our tools to help you develop a powerful vision, you can sign up for our email list here.

How to Create Space and Connection in a Virtual World Like a Teacher

I resisted being a teacher.  Although my undergraduate degree was in Education, I swiftly pulled the plug on that deal after my student teaching semester.  Up until now, I’ve never identified as a teacher, and I’m starting to understand why.

Instead, I have strongly identified as a “marketing researcher,” which really doesn’t mean much to a vast majority of the population.  But recently, I have had this overwhelming pull to “teach” something I see as a need.  The need to teach: why and how empathy can facilitate creating things that matter.

As a marketing researcher, I have spent the majority of my career unearthing people’s emotional desires and tensions to help brands speak to their customers in a way that can alter choice. 

Big brands do that because they know:  people make decisions based on emotional desires and frustrations (even when they think they are making decisions with rationale).

Recently, I have been playing with the idea of using empathy to better connect with oneself and each other for the purpose of helping individuals and organizations create more of what matters.

It started with a question - “what if the empathetic marketing research process could be turned inward so that individuals and small groups could unearth their own and other’s emotions to create more of whatever matters in their own lives?”

It has been more of a challenge than I thought to learn how to take this concept out of marketing research, and into real life connections. 

This summer, I pulled together a group of women beta testers to review my initial “online course” and who I consider to be:

1.     B@dass in their careers

2.     Brilliant in their thinking

3.     Big-hearted

As the process unfolded, I saw the need to do more than just the learning content and to help them “help each other” with “support sessions” for their creative project.  Naively, I thought that bringing together a “focus group” for their individual support should come naturally for me – facilitating the unearthing of emotions to help them tap into their power and create from that is “what I do”, I told myself. 

 But as time grew nearer to our first session, I realized why I never became a teacher: I have anxiety of losing control of a group’s dynamics and worry they would self-destruct. 

This had nothing to do with the group - it comes from my own fear of not feeling safe with others who are smart. I fear judgment, or perhaps seen as crazy, or possibly unseen or unheard.  

And while that may seem a little extreme, these fears center around what I have seen throughout my life - of people who “care” for each other. And in their “care”, destroy one another in a group setting.  Doing things like shutting people down, “teaching” the one who is vulnerable, over-spiritualizing or becoming the educator, over “sympathizing” or coaching or cheerleading. 

All of these things may be well-intentioned, yet they do not foster the safety that is needed for full expression; instead, they shut it down.  Nothing new can be created when people are emotionally shut down, afraid to say what they really think or feel.  And nothing new can be created when those creating are feeling judged.  True creation happens in the space of empathy.  For empathy allows creation to unfold. 

 That is why I believe if we are going to truly “be” with each other authentically, we must learn to show up as our “empathetic self” vs. our “caring self.”  When this happens, heart-activated solutions present themselves.

For 17+ years in focus groups, I have created a “container” of space in a controlled environment – one where people feel safe enough to openly express their opinions.  As a result, I have been witness to really cool creations.

But it’s one thing to create a safe “container” in a controlled environment, especially when it’s with a group of strangers.  In some ways, getting strangers to connect authentically in a deep way is easy because there is little to no fear of loss of future connection.  It’s a one and done conversation.  Plus, the ones who are actually creating based on emotions are behind the glass.

 It’s quite another to guide others who intend to create for and with each other, and have potential fears associated with emotional exposure to be with each other safely, especially in a virtual environment such as Zoom. 

It’s more complicated when you begin diving into more authentic conversations with people you care about. Because when you are helping a group form for deeper connection and creativity you must also be with multiple levels of “emotion” – your own, each individual member and the group as a whole.  

So, I put together an overarching way to think about the Empathetic Self vs. the Caring Self – and why the caring self does not foster the creativity needed, while the empathetic self does.

Considering I have formed a career doing this, I was shocked at how new it felt to create a container for others to be with others.  I struggled afterwards - with my own feelings of shame and disconnection because I wanted to “do better” at simultaneously guiding each member to contribute with “empathy” WHILE keeping the whole group’s energy focused toward the heart instead of the mind.

It’s one thing to create connection, it’s quite another to be connected while teaching it – especially in an empathetic way for myself.  Doing so requires all at the same time:

1.     Creating connection between the emotions of each individual, the one sharing and the group as a whole

2.     Redirecting positively– so each member can stay in emotional conversation

3.     Navigating technology – creating virtual energy

4.     Creating guardrails for emotional presence.

5.     Being present with my own emotions as I danced between creating control over the group’s comfort vs. surrender and trust to the individuals in the process

I realize how much I, too, struggle with being present in my heart rather than my head when I am trying to teach something.  

Here’s what I discovered.  I need to:

1.     Slow down.   When teaching something, I must break things down a bit more – I notice my reluctance to want to be the expert and prefer to ask questions than “talk too much.”  I prefer to just jump in and do it; that’s my learning style and assume it’s others, too.  So, after a quick recap of the thinking, we jumped into the process. I realized afterwards that it would have made everyone feel more comfortable practicing asking open-ended questions if I had given some examples of the type of questions that take people to their heart vs. their mind.

2.     Simplify, then Define each step.  I used words like “Insight” and “Brainstorm” and realized as I was running down the field toward the goal, I might be the only one who knew where the ball was!  Someone asked if I could define an insight – and suddenly my own insight appeared – “Ohhh, I thought to myself.  Defining insight would help everyone understand more clearly WHY it’s important to uncover emotional understanding, not just behaviors.  Because an Insight is the aha moment when one can gain an accurate and deep intuitive understanding of a person or thing. When Empathy and Insight come together, deeper connections are made. 

3.     Give the Why – In case you are wondering, it’s not immediately clear in most group settings why you would possibly want to unearth fears, desires, and other feelings. (unless perhaps in group therapy settings).  Because, in most cases, it is quite taboo to express emotions fully.  The opposite is required – keep your emotions in check, bite your tongue, turn the other check, be a stoic.  We are taught at every turn to have “emotional control” so it’s an interesting outlier to have been hired by massive companies for years to do the opposite. Ironic, right?  I’m learning that it is not intuitive as to why there are very good reasons to uncover and be with other’s emotions in a controlled environment.  Teaching others to connect to create through the power of both heart and mind is a part of what needs to be taught. 

4.     Model, Tell a Story and/or Give Examples first.  My style is – ok, here’s the rough swag, now go do it.  Ummm, not helpful when trying to create safe space. As mentioned, emotional unearthing doesn’t necessarily feel “normal”, so easing people into doing new things requires a bit more hand holding than just giving them a bike and pushing them off!   I saw that each step in the process we used needs a further “why” as well as an example or story of how to make it concrete.

5.     Interrupt with integrity (“Yes and…”) I observed myself not being able to stop me as if in a slow motion reel shouting out to myself – “nooooooooooo” as I watched myself jump in to correcting a question.  It’s as if there were 2 parts of me – the part that knew better and the part that was so programmed to do what I do that I just split in half pouring all of my insides on the floor and then attempting to clean up the mess I made.  “Practice what you preach” was the lightbulb moment – it’s one thing to “tell others” to build on what others are saying, using positive builds such as “yes and” and “what if” – but if I don’t give myself the same guardrails or reminder, I just do what I know to do.  I correct the behavior.  And correction is not necessarily what the process is all about, is it?  No, it’s not. 

So, back to teachers.  I wonder how many are struggling with this same need to keep the classes learning (with their mind) and yet emotionally engaged (with their heart) on some level to create work in this new world.  We are in a new era of heart and mind working together.  And it’s not easy for any of us.

And yet, I am grateful to learn what I am trying to teach - correction via judgment is less important than connection via empathy and surrender of control.  It is through the connection to ourselves and others that we will pierce through the pain into creation with strength, love and resilience.

6 Affirmations for Transformation in the Unknown

I listened last night to Mel Robbins Instagram video post of her morning routine.  And after seeing it, I recognized the value of sharing mine too.  Often, I refrain from sharing because of one of the following reasons:

1. Feeling not good enough.  I ask myself questions like, “What do I have to share that others would want to know about?”  

2. Worry that others will criticize me - for some element of my thinking they disagree with.  I watch others who are sharing their feelings online and see how easy it is to get land blasted virtually. 

3. But more than anything, I think it’s shame – shame for feeling as if I “have” more than others.  I feel guilt when I think about how much I have been blessed with and often worry about being perceived as a “show off” so I lessen myself, minimize who I am.  I worry about jealousy of others. 

I see that clearly now - I have been frightened of other’s jealousy for much of my life.  Fear of being judged for being “too much”, “too over the top” so I reduce in order to be loved.

This COVID-19 has taught me that any fear, no matter how or where it creeps in, creates a “hiding place” for me to live in silence.  But I don’t want to hide anymore.  Because hiding brings me down.  As much as I want others to lift me up, to get me, I understand more now than ever, that I am the only one who has to approve of me. 

The more I approve of myself, the more I am willing to show up authentically, hoping that by sharing who I am, others might find a glimmer of hope.  I weigh the risk of hurt and criticism with the reward of vulnerability and being brave, and I can see that when I let go of my own fear, I can return to hope.  Now more than ever, I grasp for “hope moments” each day.

So, here’s hoping this story will instill a bit of hope. 

January this year, a friend of mine and I attended Rachel Hollis’ Rise Conference in Fort Myers, Florida.  That feels like a lifetime ago.  One of my biggest actionable take-aways was to use the “Start Today” journal she gave us in our goodie bags. The premise of the journal is to begin each day with writing 3 things:  

1. 5 Gratitude statements

2. 10 “Dreams”

3. 1 Goal to Focus on

Each page has the same format – repeat, repeat. When I returned on January 11, I began and haven’t missed a day (actually, I think I missed 1 day) since then.   It was an interesting exercise for me.  As a self-help junkie, I have been through numerous programs including Landmark, Tony Robbins, and countless others, but this was an interesting, repetitive way to create clarity, vision, and focus all at once. 

It reminded me of the Stephen Covey days where in my early 20’s, I used the “planner” to help me focus on goals.  Since then, I’ve used countless goal and planner systems, and haven’t found anything that worked quite as well as that.  But when I started this practice, an unexpected shift happened.

 Many of my goals were regarding work and dreams for my business, but the one goal closest to my heart, the one I chose to focus on was: 

• Migrate my daughter to a school where she will thrive holistically (socially, emotionally, academically, physically). 

What this process of gratitude, dreaming, then focusing did was allow me to bring from my subconscious to my conscious what I had been procrastinating on.  I knew in my heart it was time for her to move, and I guess I was waiting to “prove it” to myself.

After about a week of writing this, I finally stopped procrastinating and began taking action toward the large project before me of discovering, researching and exploring schools – which is quite a feat if you live in Dallas county. 

What I didn’t realize at the time is that it had been awhile since I had been clear about what I wanted to do for myself (rather than for others) and this process gave me the clarity I needed.

Suddenly, I got into Post-it creation land , created a large visual board so she could understand the concept of “discovering without deciding” and moved her from resistance to excitement about learning something new, unknown. 

What I realized as I went down this journey is that just a small action toward what you want when you have total clarity on what it is keeps you grounded and in your truth no matter what others say about or to you. 

A few patterns I discovered along the way and some affirmations I wrote to combat some old beliefs and to keep with me for the future:

1. Inner Strength in Resistance – I was shocked at how others resisted my desire for my child, wanting to insert their opinions about what they believed was best for me, and my child.  I learned that their opinion was just that, an opinion, and it didn’t have to be mine.  I discovered that if I give myself permission, I can trust myself instead of looking outside of me for validation.

   • Affirmation #1:  I am the expert and authority on me and my child.

2. Grace in Letting Go – On the other hand, I learned how much I want others to understand MY opinion about something this important to me.  I wanted others to go on my journey with me, hold my hand, see me, understand me, and I have had to let go of expecting anyone else to take my journey with me…and it’s damn hard to do that with grace.  Some days I did better than others.

   • Affirmation #2:  I am willing to let go of that which doesn’t serve me and focus on what does.

3. Synchronicity is For Real (replace synchronicity for God, or magic, or whatever your personal flavor of this is) – I like God Magic because that’s what it feels like to me but I soften it to synchronicity for those who may have issue with the use of 1) God 2)Magic or 3) Both being in the same phrase.  The events that began occurring due to my initial efforts were mind blowing, and way beyond my control, leading me down a path of discovering:

   • a Gifted & Talented diagnostician,

   • a learning diagnosis called Twice Exceptional ,

   • a lot about misdiagnosed ADHD from a book called The Mislabeled Child and other things such as vision processing disorder, auditory processing disorder and multisensory processing disorder.

   • There’s also something you can do to help: vision therapy

   • the perfect school for my daughter - EA Young

   • Affirmation #3:  I consistently show up and do my part – get clear and take a step - and trust the rest to God Magic.

4. All Boats Lift When the Tide Rises – interestingly enough, the focus on that one goal actually manifested into another dream on my “10 dreams list” with synchronicity.  My dream to one day own a home with enough space for a horse and “event barn” presented itself.  Upon locking on the school that was a perfect fit for her, I realized it would require a move and started taking small actions to find a real estate agent who knew the area.  This turned a dream (after years of many failed attempts) into a reality and is now being brought to life.

   • Affirmation #4: I focus on what’s most important to me right now and trust that all else will be done in right timing.

5. Not All Animals are the Same – I have spent much of my life perceiving all people to be “the same” – through my lens.   It’s probably like being in a zoo – if you’ve been caged with the same “kind” of animal for years, you don’t realize some animal species act quite different than others. As I decided to let go of some of the people I was trying to get approval from – those who struggled to lift me up as I grew (the crabs in my life), and willing to venture forth, it wasn’t long until I realized there ARE other zoo animals, ones I never knew existed.  I am getting to know the mighty elephants  in my life more deeply, and meeting more of them! The journey feels better amidst reciprocal relationships.

   • Affirmation #5: I am powerful and strong, and I support others who are willing to live in their power and strength.

6. More Goodies = More Growth – stepping into this process doesn’t mean my life is perfect, or worry-free.  It actually feels the opposite most days. Every day I commit to doing what feels way too hard, brave, terrifying, I get to meet new challenges and show up again, humbly nodding at the opportunity before me, forgiving the past, and hoping I can embrace the new mistakes I’ll make with grace.

   • Affirmation #6: I welcome new growth with grace and grit.

Now, we are close to closing on a new house in a new town, a new place, in a new school, during COVID-19 with people we are yet to know.  And I will continue to breathe, be grateful for, dream, step and pray through it all, sometimes with eyes closed and other times with eyes wide open.

I welcome getting the next perfect family in my current home.  While these are all new challenges I am working through, COVID-19 style, I have a renewed hope in this process.  Because I can see from my experience that when the tide rises, it’s a much better view - of surprising beauty, and yes pain. Even if I’m bleeding a little and have been knocked around some days, I prefer it to drifting.  Come play with me, lovelies.  Come rise with me, please.  It’s so much more fun to do this with others than alone.  You are not alone.