How to Create Space and Connection in a Virtual World Like a Teacher

I resisted being a teacher.  Although my undergraduate degree was in Education, I swiftly pulled the plug on that deal after my student teaching semester.  Up until now, I’ve never identified as a teacher, and I’m starting to understand why.

Instead, I have strongly identified as a “marketing researcher,” which really doesn’t mean much to a vast majority of the population.  But recently, I have had this overwhelming pull to “teach” something I see as a need.  The need to teach: why and how empathy can facilitate creating things that matter.

As a marketing researcher, I have spent the majority of my career unearthing people’s emotional desires and tensions to help brands speak to their customers in a way that can alter choice. 

Big brands do that because they know:  people make decisions based on emotional desires and frustrations (even when they think they are making decisions with rationale).

Recently, I have been playing with the idea of using empathy to better connect with oneself and each other for the purpose of helping individuals and organizations create more of what matters.

It started with a question - “what if the empathetic marketing research process could be turned inward so that individuals and small groups could unearth their own and other’s emotions to create more of whatever matters in their own lives?”

It has been more of a challenge than I thought to learn how to take this concept out of marketing research, and into real life connections. 

This summer, I pulled together a group of women beta testers to review my initial “online course” and who I consider to be:

1.     B@dass in their careers

2.     Brilliant in their thinking

3.     Big-hearted

As the process unfolded, I saw the need to do more than just the learning content and to help them “help each other” with “support sessions” for their creative project.  Naively, I thought that bringing together a “focus group” for their individual support should come naturally for me – facilitating the unearthing of emotions to help them tap into their power and create from that is “what I do”, I told myself. 

 But as time grew nearer to our first session, I realized why I never became a teacher: I have anxiety of losing control of a group’s dynamics and worry they would self-destruct. 

This had nothing to do with the group - it comes from my own fear of not feeling safe with others who are smart. I fear judgment, or perhaps seen as crazy, or possibly unseen or unheard.  

And while that may seem a little extreme, these fears center around what I have seen throughout my life - of people who “care” for each other. And in their “care”, destroy one another in a group setting.  Doing things like shutting people down, “teaching” the one who is vulnerable, over-spiritualizing or becoming the educator, over “sympathizing” or coaching or cheerleading. 

All of these things may be well-intentioned, yet they do not foster the safety that is needed for full expression; instead, they shut it down.  Nothing new can be created when people are emotionally shut down, afraid to say what they really think or feel.  And nothing new can be created when those creating are feeling judged.  True creation happens in the space of empathy.  For empathy allows creation to unfold. 

 That is why I believe if we are going to truly “be” with each other authentically, we must learn to show up as our “empathetic self” vs. our “caring self.”  When this happens, heart-activated solutions present themselves.

For 17+ years in focus groups, I have created a “container” of space in a controlled environment – one where people feel safe enough to openly express their opinions.  As a result, I have been witness to really cool creations.

But it’s one thing to create a safe “container” in a controlled environment, especially when it’s with a group of strangers.  In some ways, getting strangers to connect authentically in a deep way is easy because there is little to no fear of loss of future connection.  It’s a one and done conversation.  Plus, the ones who are actually creating based on emotions are behind the glass.

 It’s quite another to guide others who intend to create for and with each other, and have potential fears associated with emotional exposure to be with each other safely, especially in a virtual environment such as Zoom. 

It’s more complicated when you begin diving into more authentic conversations with people you care about. Because when you are helping a group form for deeper connection and creativity you must also be with multiple levels of “emotion” – your own, each individual member and the group as a whole.  

So, I put together an overarching way to think about the Empathetic Self vs. the Caring Self – and why the caring self does not foster the creativity needed, while the empathetic self does.

Considering I have formed a career doing this, I was shocked at how new it felt to create a container for others to be with others.  I struggled afterwards - with my own feelings of shame and disconnection because I wanted to “do better” at simultaneously guiding each member to contribute with “empathy” WHILE keeping the whole group’s energy focused toward the heart instead of the mind.

It’s one thing to create connection, it’s quite another to be connected while teaching it – especially in an empathetic way for myself.  Doing so requires all at the same time:

1.     Creating connection between the emotions of each individual, the one sharing and the group as a whole

2.     Redirecting positively– so each member can stay in emotional conversation

3.     Navigating technology – creating virtual energy

4.     Creating guardrails for emotional presence.

5.     Being present with my own emotions as I danced between creating control over the group’s comfort vs. surrender and trust to the individuals in the process

I realize how much I, too, struggle with being present in my heart rather than my head when I am trying to teach something.  

Here’s what I discovered.  I need to:

1.     Slow down.   When teaching something, I must break things down a bit more – I notice my reluctance to want to be the expert and prefer to ask questions than “talk too much.”  I prefer to just jump in and do it; that’s my learning style and assume it’s others, too.  So, after a quick recap of the thinking, we jumped into the process. I realized afterwards that it would have made everyone feel more comfortable practicing asking open-ended questions if I had given some examples of the type of questions that take people to their heart vs. their mind.

2.     Simplify, then Define each step.  I used words like “Insight” and “Brainstorm” and realized as I was running down the field toward the goal, I might be the only one who knew where the ball was!  Someone asked if I could define an insight – and suddenly my own insight appeared – “Ohhh, I thought to myself.  Defining insight would help everyone understand more clearly WHY it’s important to uncover emotional understanding, not just behaviors.  Because an Insight is the aha moment when one can gain an accurate and deep intuitive understanding of a person or thing. When Empathy and Insight come together, deeper connections are made. 

3.     Give the Why – In case you are wondering, it’s not immediately clear in most group settings why you would possibly want to unearth fears, desires, and other feelings. (unless perhaps in group therapy settings).  Because, in most cases, it is quite taboo to express emotions fully.  The opposite is required – keep your emotions in check, bite your tongue, turn the other check, be a stoic.  We are taught at every turn to have “emotional control” so it’s an interesting outlier to have been hired by massive companies for years to do the opposite. Ironic, right?  I’m learning that it is not intuitive as to why there are very good reasons to uncover and be with other’s emotions in a controlled environment.  Teaching others to connect to create through the power of both heart and mind is a part of what needs to be taught. 

4.     Model, Tell a Story and/or Give Examples first.  My style is – ok, here’s the rough swag, now go do it.  Ummm, not helpful when trying to create safe space. As mentioned, emotional unearthing doesn’t necessarily feel “normal”, so easing people into doing new things requires a bit more hand holding than just giving them a bike and pushing them off!   I saw that each step in the process we used needs a further “why” as well as an example or story of how to make it concrete.

5.     Interrupt with integrity (“Yes and…”) I observed myself not being able to stop me as if in a slow motion reel shouting out to myself – “nooooooooooo” as I watched myself jump in to correcting a question.  It’s as if there were 2 parts of me – the part that knew better and the part that was so programmed to do what I do that I just split in half pouring all of my insides on the floor and then attempting to clean up the mess I made.  “Practice what you preach” was the lightbulb moment – it’s one thing to “tell others” to build on what others are saying, using positive builds such as “yes and” and “what if” – but if I don’t give myself the same guardrails or reminder, I just do what I know to do.  I correct the behavior.  And correction is not necessarily what the process is all about, is it?  No, it’s not. 

So, back to teachers.  I wonder how many are struggling with this same need to keep the classes learning (with their mind) and yet emotionally engaged (with their heart) on some level to create work in this new world.  We are in a new era of heart and mind working together.  And it’s not easy for any of us.

And yet, I am grateful to learn what I am trying to teach - correction via judgment is less important than connection via empathy and surrender of control.  It is through the connection to ourselves and others that we will pierce through the pain into creation with strength, love and resilience.

Of Grace, Grit, Gratitude and the Gift of Giving

As the holiday whirlwind ensues, I find myself contemplating all that 2019 has brought, and taught me. I am coming off of a year I never thought I would have.  

I never envisioned this last year’s events, and trust me, I’ve done a lot of visioning in the past. Now, I look back and reflect. They say your greatest pain can become your greatest gift. So, maybe that reoccurring thought has led me to the place where I am now. A place of questioning -

What is the gift:

1. What did I learn that I want to hold onto next year?

2. What am I going to let go of that no longer serves me?

Here’s my biggest takeaway: “Most everyone’s doing the best they can, including me.”  That one learning alone is a gift. A gift of acceptance.  

Acceptance opens my eyes to new choices, new possibilities, new ways of thinking, of being.

1. Acceptance Gives me Grace. - grace for myself and for those who have caused me pain. I have learned this year a prayer that has kept me sane (some days). It somehow softens me. In Hawaii, they call it the Ho'oponopono Prayer. I call it the prayer of acceptance because it is one tool I have used to help me install grace into the software of my brain.

2. Acceptance Gives me Grit. - to get back up, again. and again, and again….and again. To move forward. As Angela Duckworth puts it in GRIT - “….grit grows as we figure out our life philosophy, learn to dust ourselves off after rejection and disappointment.” Yes, I can see that acceptance makes way to resolve (“grit”) for what is important to me - growing stronger than anything else.

3. Acceptance Gives me Gratitude. I have become painfully aware of my power to choose. The most powerful choice, I have decided, is whether to choose suffering or choose gratitude. I’ve been amazed at how often God has shown up in the deepest, darkest places to shed a bit of light. Whether it’s small miracles that are more than a coincidence, an unexpected kind gesture or just eye-opening awe, I have found God in a magical way this year, and the more I am grateful, the more of God I see.

4. Acceptance fuels my Passion to Give. - through the lens of a full cup, my heart has become open to seeing the greater pain outside of me. By getting through to the other side of what seemed like an impossible hill to climb - gaining stability through a divorce, removing chaos, buying and moving to a new home, untangling all of my affairs, including my business, and most importantly, finding creative ways to carry my daughter through it where I can still see her smile, snuggle and connect, I see there is a gift to give.

So, that is the question “what gift can I give?” in this new learning of “most everyone is just doing the best they can?”  

 My gift is greater empathy - I now have a deep compassion for other single moms who are less fortunate than me.  I now know how difficult it is to go through a divorce - even if it is not what you wanted or planned for.  It is systemically difficult for women to find hope - to stand on their own feet on the other side of divorce.  Culturally, legally, religiously, we have systems that are built on families staying together.  

 I want to be a part of giving hope for those who find themselves in crisis, that they too can get to the other side and stabilize.  I want to help women who need it to rise up with their children on the other side of a broken marriage - to give them hope and a newfound love - love of self.

So, as divine power would have it, we are hosting our first-ever give back gathering - it will be held on December 19, 2019 from 2:30-5:30 at Her HQ (a new event space for women) in Bishop Arts District in Dallas.

We are partnering with Interfaith Housing Coalition whose mission is to empower families in crisis to break the cycle of poverty.  We will be assembling self-care gifts for 50 moms at the gathering.  It will be a gathering of elves to promote hope and “self-care”- because moms who take care of themselves can take better care of others.  Interfaith will take the gifts and deliver them to these moms on or before December 25th!

We have been so blessed with generous donations and sponsors -Jergens, Chili’s, Ban, John Frieda, Curél, Bioré, 2nd Kind, Fieldwork, and Fears Nachawati Law Firm.  

We still have a few remaining items on our wish list if you would like to donate, the link to Amazon Wish List is here.  

How Increased Empathy Gave Me a Beautiful, Fresh Start

I have spent most of my career using empathy to help connect and translate people’s emotions for the purpose building brands. 

I love helping brands connect the dots based on the emotional desires of their consumer. It not only helps brands with their internal marketing, it also facilitates consumers to get more of what they want.

Someone recently used the word "bridge builder” as a way to encapsulate what it is I do - yes, that’s what it is.  And “bridge building" requires empathy.  To be a successful focus group moderator, you must exude empathy.  It must pour from your pores.  You must listen with presence, curiosity, and use that curiosity to co-create new ideas.  

When you “feel” what others feel and use the power of your brain to create new questions and connections, co-creation occurs in a very meaningful way.  Whereas, if your mind is distracted and not listening, you can’t really ask relevant questions.  Both your head and your heart have to be listening in conjunction with each other in order to co-create something new with others.

While I am hyper vigilant about these things in my work, my personal life, it appears, is a different story sometimes. When I am out of this controlled “focus group" setting, I recognize it is more difficult to be empathetic because it is more difficult to be present.  

Much of the time in my personal life, I lean into wanting to change some aspect of what’s going on in the present -  I want others to show up in a different way than they are or perhaps “be" different than who they are being.  And my divorce has taught me that I can’t control anyone else’s thoughts, behaviors or ways of being…except my own.  

So, how did this increase empathy and creativity for me?  Because I am beginning to see the value of using my “focus group” skills in my own life.  

Here are the connections I made to help transfer the automatic empathy skills I use weekly in controlled “focus group" settings to my personal life with my daughter:

1. Creating Space Allows Presence - The reason focus groups work well for deep connection is because you purposefully create space for people to listen to each other. While I am great at creating space for others, it wasn’t until lately that I began to create some space for myself. I remember one night a few months ago when we had some spare time, I was just sitting, doing nothing except observing my daughter play. I wasn’t on my phone, or watching a movie, I was just sitting, watching, being present with her. She was talking to herself - in an imaginary scenario. As I listened to her, I started thinking about who she is becoming, what it must be like to be her. I saw her outside of me in a new way.

2. Presence Moves you From Anxiety into Curiosity

   1. As I sat, present with her, really seeing her, seeing past my own pain, I began getting curious about my daughter’s pain. If you haven’t been through a divorce, it may be hard to empathize with what it’s like. Many people believe it’s a “choice” - and that because you didn’t “work hard enough to save the marriage", the pain and loss is undermined. But divorce is the death of something sacred, and it comes with pain.

   2. I can tell you that the pain and loss combined with the shame and guilt is so consuming that it is difficult to NOT get lost in it. And when you are lost in your own pain, it’s challenging to be present (to empathize) with your children's pain, anyone else’s pain, that is. There’s so much fear - "how am I going to make it on the other side?” "What’s wrong with me?” "How did this happen?” "What is going to happen next?” All of these fearful, anxious thoughts can have one (me, that is) spinning out of control. But this particular night, as I watched her, my curiosity grew. I became curious about who she was being in that moment, about what it must be like to be her.

   3. I realize I didn’t know what it felt like to be her because my parents didn’t go through a divorce when I was young. I never experienced living in 1 home, then moving back and forth to 2 homes. I got curious in that moment while looking at her - wondering what she was feeling, and imagining how heart wrenching it must be, on so many levels, having the world as you knew it disrupted, torn apart.

3. Curiosity Breeds Creativity

   1. The cool thing about curiosity, though, is that it moves you from the fearful limbic part of the brain to the prefrontal cortex, which breeds creativity. With presence, listening, really listening and “feeling into” what the experience is like to be someone else, your brain shifts to creative solutioning.

   2. As I watched her, the questions I asked myself were different -

      1. From Fearful questions - “how will I survive this" TO…

      2. Presence - “How interesting that she stopped playing by herself and tried to pull me into her game"

      3. Curiosity - "I wonder what she needs from me right now?"

      4. Creativity - “What am I going to do about helping her see the beauty in having 2 homes instead of 1?” “How can I show up and be the best I can be as a co-parent in a way that helps her feel safe?”

   3. Suddenly, boom, a new thought allowed me to shift away from my own fearful questions, into solving something for her. That is empathy. That is connectivity, that is creativity. It is what brands… and a deeper connected life is built on.

   4. And the creativity can continue. Now I want to know: "How can I build more of that connection in my life?” And "How can I help my daughter move from fear to curiosity and creative grow?” Moving from surviving to thriving - that’s the problem I am now solving for….how to thrive in what is.

But what does Empathy for others you love actually require?

1. Empathy Requires Neutrality:

   1. I realize how much I judge around me - in a focus group, I am hired, primarily because I am considered a neutral 3rd party. It’s hard for people within a company, brand, etc. to ask neutral questions to their customer audience - for example: “You do like this idea, don’t you?” 🙂. These questions don’t allow co-creation, they create stagnancy. Instead, they hire a neutral moderator to simply “be with” their customers - allowing for greater understanding, deeper emotional connection because people open up to those who give them a compassionate, neutral space to be in. When they feel judged, or that their answers will be “wrong”, they stop talking.

   2. As I sat with my daughter that night, I was just with her as she was telling me what she needed. I allowed her to speak, and I didn’t try to change or correct or shift what she was saying. I also didn’t throw myself into the more normal judgment of myself - instead of blaming myself, I allowed space for me to stay with her, without judgment. I resisted the urge to encourage her, shift her thinking, give her a new perspective, all of the things I normally do to “help” her. And I resisted the urge to self-flagellate “how could I do this to her?” “I”m the worst mom.” “She’ll never recover.” Remaining neutral created a little "magical moment for mama and daughter” for us BOTH to see that I could in fact, be neutral, and truly empathetic without having to “fix or solve” it. What a concept just to hold space for her.

2. Empathy Requires “Being with” Strong Emotion Without Resistance:

   1. Because I stayed in the space with her, she likely felt more at ease. Suddenly she began crying, telling me how she was feeling. Instead of doing what I normally would do - try to change her feelings or solve them for her (or go further into self-shaming), I was led to just hug her, and as she calmed, say how I WAS FEELING. And because I had been present with her, I was aware of my feelings too.

   2. I could suddenly with clarity articulate all the unsaid things I had been feeling for months. "I’m so so sorry, sweet girl. I’m so sorry your parents are not able to make 1 home work so that you live with consistency. But I want you know that you are safe. I want you to understand how loved you are - by both of us. I want you to feel the beautiful unicorn creature that you are - a beautiful flower, that when opened, will change the world. You will change the world, sweet Autumn, and I will see you do it. I will sit in honor at your beauty. And we will never stop loving you. Your mom and dad are imperfect, but we love you to the moon and back. You are a masterpiece and I participated in creating you, and I am proud of it."

   3. She looked at me, silent. Without a word, she took it in. Then she dried her eyes and smiled her unicorn smile and said - “ok, I think I’m ready to do something else now - do you want to play like you’re the daughter and I’m the mom and we live in a castle, and then ….. and then… and then…..?” And I said "Yes, I am ready. I am ready to play with you.” (But only for 15 minutes…. 🙂 )

That moment was special, addictive. New.  

Oddly, I felt more in control being present with her in that way than I do most days. The days I’m trying to gain control over her, the days we bicker or I’m "trying to get her to pick up her shoes already.”  Maybe presence is where I have the most control, for when I am (in these rare but precious moments) present with what is happening right in front of me, I feel like the world is an oyster and pearls appear. And every pearl is a fresh start.

Design Thinking and Montessori in Research

Two weeks ago, I was honored to speak at the 2018 MSMR conference in Arlington.  

It wasn’t until a few years ago that I even realized one of the best Master of Science in Marketing Research programs was here in the Dallas-Fort Worth area at University of Texas at Arlington.  

I enjoy this conference, and the association.  In fact, of all the Marketing Research conferences I have attended in the last few years, this may be my favorite.  It’s probably because I appreciate the energy in the room.  The longer I live, the more I love being around college students.  Maybe I’m getting cynical and I just enjoy being around people who seem excited about life and are excited about this industry.  I am reminded of why I got into marketing research in the first place.

But I digress - I spoke about Design Thinking AND about a Montessori Mindset.  This is the second time I’ve spoken on this topic.  The first was at the QRCA conference last January.  This time I only had 30 minutes to pull together 2 very different frameworks and show how we used them in a research project…so I talked fast.  

You can see the presentation here.  And my original presentation here.  If you’re interested in the Design Thinking workbook we developed, you can text "Research" to 66866 and receive a PDF copy.  

Learnings from a Mommy Daughter Vacation to Mexico

I’m sure many might ask why I would chose to take a "girls trip" to Mexico with just me and my 7 year old daughter in the middle of spring. At least I asked myself that as the day of departure grew closer. When I first saw fares for $200 from Dallas to Cabo, I emailed my friend who lives there, and said "We’re coming!"  And I found a small window that could work, and bought the tickets!   But that was about 2 months ago…  As time grew closer, many fears started creeping in, wondering whether it was safe for us to go by ourselves, knowing that it would not be a typical "relaxing vacation" on the beach with just the 2 of us, as my primary concern would be her safety.  I also started stressing about taking the time off - we had just been on vacation for spring break and it felt a little indulgent to go again.  Plus, our lives are so freaking busy with work, school, activities, I mean it’s spring time, people.  "There’s soooo much to do!" I kept telling myself. It’s just not a good time.  I almost cancelled the trip.  

But at some point, a few days before we traveled, I made a choice.  I chose to make this the best mom and daughter trip we could possibly have together.  Tickets had already been purchased, and I became very cognizant of just how much of my life I spend "waiting for the perfect situation."  When she gets old enough, when we can all go as a family, when I am not so overwhelmed with work.  When, when, when.  When is now.  When is happening in front of me as I strive to perfect, perform and please.  I am so so grateful that I made the decision to go… Not only to go but to really BE with my daughter.  I learned so much about myself these past few days, and   about her. Here are a few...

1. Walmart CAN be wonderful - I can’t believe I am saying this but when you’ve had a rough travel day and still need to get food, there’s nothing like having a Walmart in Mexico to stock up on breakfast items and snacks for your stay.

2. There’s an "art" to planning- Figuring out the right level of planning for a vacation with a child is definitely an art form. Sunset sailing? Dinner at a Brazilian restaurant? Sounds wonderful, right? I am so lucky to have friends in Cabo and when my friend planned a wonderful sunset cruise she invited us to, I was thrilled. As time grew nearer and my daughter continued to enjoy herself in the pool, I knew that a sunset cruise for her wasn’t going to be joy-filled for anyone who showed up on that sailboat. Here’s the thing, I get that kids need to learn to go along with plans and adapt to situations, and it can’t be all about them. I also get that I can choose to stick to this belief doggedly or create a situation where (at least on vacation) we can adapt to how we’re feeling rather than sticking to a rigid plan. It’s an art, meaning there’s no perfect answer… and that’s ok.

3. Being on the beach is great but being in the ocean is better - we were so blessed to go whale watching on the last day of the seasonand got to see a mother and child whale pair migrating together. I mean, can you even believe that luck??? It was AMAZING! Seeing a “baby” 10-foot humpback whale breaching (playing) was stunning and glorious and reminded me that the connection of a mom and child is a universal gift. My 7-year old may not understand what a miracle it was to witness this but then again, maybe she understands it even more than I do. Regardless, I am so glad for the miracle anyway. So, so grateful!!!!

4. Limiting electronics is a rule for mommy, too - So we’re all concerned about the electronic addiction of kids, right? But I have to say that it’s funny how concerned I am about her electronic addiction and tend to ignore my own. It’s hard to put down the phone, knowing that clients, employees and others all have questions or other needs that “require” my attention. Oh, and just one quick peek on Facebook while I’m on the phone. It requires SERIOUS intention to just be ok with not responding immediately to every email/request/need/question that others have of me, and instead, choose to put down my phone, and be with her in the moment. It was not lost on me that my own addiction is looming in the background of my electronics rules for her. And breathing through that without all the guilt that goes with the realization helps me put down the phone more quickly.

5. Boredom is beautiful - I learned that my child is evidently accustomed to an over-planned life, too, and that it’s ok for her to be "bored." When my daughter’s bored, I recognized my first reaction is to help her find something to do - put an activity in front of her, give her some ideas for using her time. However, awareness of this is the first step, right? And breathing through it is the 2nd. And then just being ok with her boredom, I realize that boredom has its beauty.

6. Mommy melts down sometimes, too - My belief that I should be strong enough to weather even the biggest emotional storm of a child with total and complete calm is well, bullshit. Yes, breathing is good. Being with what is is even better - but sometimes, all of that just goes out the window and an emotional storm has to be met with an emotional storm. That’s ok, we can pick up and try again. And don’t blame me, dear, for the cuss word you just learned, I will certainly deny it and blame it on someone else who is unsuspecting!