Made With Empathy™ because now is the time to make more things with empathy

A few years ago, amidst exhaustion, burnout, and a desire to do something meaningful with less energy, I started down the path of creating an online course.  At the time, I thought this course I wanted to create should teach micro business owners to brand their business by going through the same research process large corporations use to create mass brands.  

I have been facilitating brand and product innovation research for over 17 years.  So, I set out to create this course, blind to what I thought I knew about all the things it takes to create something, and naive about what I didn’t - ironic, huh.  I went through a small business program to help develop the idea. I enlisted friends, clients, and other resources to help me “figure it out.”   I took a 1 week trip to Tulum, Mexico by myself to draft the whole course.  I did my own marketing research with my target audience (thanks to Fieldwork- for letting me host my own groups without charge).  I participated in some of the most popular online courses to learn how to do it, including Amy Porterfield’s, Jeff Walker’s,  Marie Forleo’s and a few others.  I looked back on the first online course I purchased to learn about how to create an online course - and that was 4 years ago, y’all!!!  

That journey, along with a painful divorce left me feeling like an imposter with only a speck of the self-confidence I wanted to emulate.  But now, I’m telling you that, not because I’m ashamed or embarrassed (I used to feel shame that I couldn’t do for myself what i can do for others) but because I want to encourage anyone else who is trying to create something and they feel like they are not making progress - that I TOTALLY get it.

And I’m also saying this because I have learned a few things after spending all of this time, energy and money trying to bring something to life:

1. I didn’t need to change who my clients were, I needed to change who i was being and how I was showing up in my relationship with them.  I found out quickly through my own marketing research that my current clients were the people I know, love and understand.  They are my people.  For a minute, I thought “my people” were others like me, small business owners who were stressed out and crazy.  But NO - trying to help other crazy business owners that are the same crazy as me was not my jam!  I like my clients who are a different crazy than me! I love helping them, I just needed to reframe what mattered to me - what matters is my relationships with them, the connection to what they are working hard to do, as much as the output. I needed to blend what I was looking for - more meaningful creations - with what THEY needed more of - help with taking some of the heavy lifting off their plate, more ideas based on empathy, and solutions to help them move things forward, and a sounding board to set them up for success.

2. I also have more respect than ever for my clients who are in the business of bringing an idea through the process of creation.  It’s one thing to facilitate co-creation for large companies, it’s another thing to work through the process and the heavy lifting of bringing an idea to life - managing the emails, meetings, vendor relationships, peer relationships, or manager and employee relationships.

3. The things I do really well for my clients naturally (empathize, act fast, willing to explore new ideas, connecting the dots, facilitate constructive conversations, and deliver results to move things forward) are the same things I really sucked at doing for myself (up until now).  Once I began doing for myself what I do well for others, it became easier for me to create what I want for myself and others.

4. Bringing this idea into the world has forced me to look within, uncover and dance with all my biggest fears.  It has helped me channel my fears and create a new level of faith - that when things seem unachievable, it’s just a new opportunity for me to reframe my thinking.  Hell, I still don’t know if this idea is going anywhere, but I’m at least willing to try it, in hopes that by putting it out there and receiving feedback, I can learn and try again.

So, with great trepidation and also an exhale of relief that it’s totally ok to fail, I am launching my Made With Empathy™ website.  I’m so determined to check the box and say I did it that I decided to do it myself.  It’s not even close to perfect, but that’s ok.

I feel like i’ve failed a million times at bringing my Made With Empathy™ to life - i’ve wrestled with feeling like its “just a stupid idea” and wondered how it’s going to help anyone.  But the one thing I’ve held onto is this crazy belief that somehow, someway, somewhere, it’s going to be helpful - because although a lot about the idea has changed, my goal with it never has: I want to inspire people to step into their lives bravely to create what matters using a proven process based on empathy.

In the deepest part of me, I knew that every time I walked into a focus group room or created space for a team to ideate, or had a call with a client where I asked the right questions to get to the core of the problem to solve, that this way of being - empathetic being - could be taught to create even more of what matters.

 As I look out across a heavy, saddened enraged world, I can hear my Made With Empathy™ idea saying - “yes, this is what you’ve been creating me for - you created me because you saw a need”.  The need is there.  There’s a need to take the tools, skills, and processes used to innovate products and services and teach leaders, innovators - my clients - how to approach anything they want to create from a place of empathy.

It’s time.  It’s time to make more of what matters with empathy.  I need a problem to solve, and now I can hear the problem screaming so loudly, it’s deafening.

While I don’t know how to solve what’s going on with the current racial climate, i do know this - when my clients don’t know how to solve something and they need to create something new, we come together, design a method to learn what we need to learn through empathetic listening and from that, we begin to innovate and create, then test, and finesse and eventually, we have something new that solves a problem.  

My hope is that MWE can be used to help those smarter than me create solutions efficiently with joy and grace for racial injustice, for corporate “new norms” due to COVID, and for all the new innovations that will be needed to cross the chasm of destruction we are all in to safer ground.

If you’re interested in learning more about the Empathy Co-Creation process, click here.

If you’re interested in a free consultation, you can click here to contact me.

Until we meet up, I am hopeful you are staying well. And breathing deeply.  

And here are a couple of books I am reading now in case it’s a good resource for you:  

1. How to Be an Antiracist

2. Dying of Whitness

As well as this and other articles being published by Greater Good Science Center at Berkeley links to resources I’m finding helpful that correlate with what Made With Empathy™ is about.

What to Think about When the Perfect Storm Hits

When the perfect storm hits, you have two choices - smile and jump into it, praying for something bigger than you to take you to shore.  Or resist it, fight it. Either way, you may die. 

You may not live, but I am learning to believe, to have faith that things will turn out.  I believe when you believe that an island and a margarita await you when you get to shore, perhaps there’s a better chance of being lifted out of the wind and the water and learn to breathe underwater.  I’m learning to believe in focusing on what it will be like when I reach my goal, to help me manage through my fears.

I’m not saying I will make it out “alive and well”, I am saying I want to.  I want to stay here, and I want to do big things in this world.  I want to change myself so I can change some of the world.  Why? Because I don’t like everything the world has been offering lately but more importantly, I believe there is more beauty available here on earth than what our species has created thus far.  

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate so much of what we have created.  And yet, there’s more…. There’s more love, there’s more sharing, caring, compassion…there’s more empathy available than what I’ve been seeing. 

I believe we can all learn how to connect in a way that is not “power over” others.  I want to see a system where those in need are getting fed with the waste of those who need to “dump” their excess.  I want to see a system where regardless of skin color or opinion, we can trust and live in peace with our beautiful differences.

There has to be a better way.  Can I be a bridge builder?  God, let me build a bridge between those who need it most and those who are seeing their surplus create waste in the world.  Let there be no more waste.  Let the waste feed the hungry.  God give me the funds, yes, the money to help me make a difference.  Give me the ability to let go of my ego every day so that I can show up not for myself but for a greater good.  Let me be a bridge between marginalized communities, no matter their skin color and the powers that be who can help create better for everyone.

Let the resources I create be a blessing to millions.  And let me create an abundance of resources to bless millions  more.  

Yes, I want to collaborate and co-create - for the purpose of creating what matters and to give in a greater way.

This is what I’m living into - but it’s not where I was last Friday. Last Friday, I sat in a dark confused, dismal place.  I allowed my current reality give way to my predisposed place of worry when a storm hits.  

You see I grew up on a West Texas farm, where at least once a season I took in the anxiety, worry and loss of hope that sometimes gripped both my dad and my grandfather.  I remember sitting by the window watching the storm with the family, knowing that “this could be the storm” that takes us out.  I actually remember feeling like if the storm hit just right, we would likely die.  A tornado could rip through the house.  A thunderstorm could take out the crop and then dad couldn’t pay “his note” to the bank, and then, and then, and then….  I felt all of those things deeply.  They were programmed in.

And guess what, it didn’t happen.  Yes, there were a lot of storms.  There were a lot of hard years, there may have even been some years “the bank note” couldn’t be paid.  I don’t know because the details of money weren’t really discussed - just the promise of what it meant for a “good crop” (we could pay off our debt - yeah!) or the consequence of what it meant to have a “bad crop” - (we could not pay off our debt….and then what??  Too much to think about).  

So, I have spent most of my life “preparing for a storm” - I started in college by receiving a full ride to college through multiple scholarships (no, the costs were NOT what it is now) plus a job then a second job - plus a full load of classes (with a broken wrist on my writing hand - before keyboards were heard of).  

And since then, most of the choices I’ve made in life have been for enough of a “financial net” to be “safe from the storm”.  

So WILD that my growing awareness (pre and post divorce, loads of therapy, coaching, self-help masters, etc.) has taken me a place to begin visioning my life in a new way.  One where I began to let go of my hold on “fear of losing money.”  Fear’s hold on me.  As I began this year, January 2020, living into the vision of getting my daughter to a fully supportive school for her individual learning needs, it brought me to a place where I simultaneously had to breathe through being “extra leveraged” financially for the first time, maybe ever as an adult.  

We found a beautiful school in North Richland Hills and a home in Colleyville, TX, which happens to be a little magical oasis in the Dallas/Fort Worth area.  Beautiful, spacious, and not only that, I found a home on a couple of acres with a horse stable, and the ability to have horses.

Moving here during COVID into this early 80’s style ranch-house, with minimal trees, pasture, barn, and even the horses being stabled on our property has taken me back to my West Texas roots.  We feel at home.  And as we finalized the close of the house, the “perfect storm” I had been avoiding my entire life, hit. 

While I was able to lock in an amazing interest rate for the loan, the money I had saved for a down payment had been put in “very secure” dividend stocks (instead of a savings account)….which came tumbling down before I pulled it out.  At the same time, my business pipeline came to a screeching halt as “stay at home” policies were put into place across the globe.  When this perfect storm hits, there is almost freedom in it hitting.  It’s like a balloon you’ve been protecting just pops, and then you can breathe.  And then once you start breathing again, you realize how hard it is to learn how to breathe again.  

Because you’ve been holding so much worry and stress around this whole time that you’re not even aware your lack of breathing.  So, the breathing helps.  It gives you permission to feel everything you’ve been worried about to a greater level.

And once you feel it and let it pass through you, then your mind can kick in again and say again - “what do I want?  What is important to me?”  I was able to remember what I want.  And once I remembered what I wanted, I could take action without knowing all the details on how – it was as if the drowning caused a necessary intuitive reaction to survive, to pull me out of the deep water.  And I navigated out of it.

What I’m recognizing is that there are times in life to ask the “how” question and there are times to ask the “what” question.

It’s easy for me to get into all the “how’s” right now - that is my fear kicking in. (How am I going to survive, keep the business alive, keep my daughter and I fed, keep my people who count on me to bring in business fed?) 

However, I know from the way we design research questioning techniques that the “what" questions are the most important ones as you begin any major undertaking - the “what” creates a mechanism for your brain to imagine.  The “how” begins to form as you move through the “what” - it guides you forward.  

What I want is to protect my baby, to show her bravery in the storm, I want to protect the people who depend on me for supportive income, and I want to continue doing the amazing work I love.  I want to help my clients weather the storm.  

But maybe most importantly, I want to be a ripple at the surface of the earth.  One that says to everyone I know who also struggles with fear - don’t quit, it’s ok to fear, we all do, but you must move through it.  You must stand up and think about what you want.  For when you can imagine a future you want, your life can change, not only your life, but those you impact.  

I didn’t come to this place of acceptance, of strength, of understanding who I am, to give up now.  I intend to co-create a world that is better because I am here.  I intend to co-create what matters.  More on the how soon…

What To Do With an Idea Called Made With Empathy

A few years ago, I started having the urge to grow my business. At the time, I wasn’t sure exactly what that would look like but it seemed important to me at the time.  Now I know that the growth I was looking for was within me, not outside of me.

These are the beliefs that were the foundation for my desire to grow:

• Without growth, one becomes stagnant

• It would give my life more purpose, meaning

• I would feel more accomplished

• It would give me more freedom

• I was feeling burnt out

So, I started working on a growth Idea to offer educational tools to teach what we do for large corporations. At one point, I thought I would teach other small business owners to conduct their own marketing research, then the Idea evolved to teaching corporate leaders tools to help them collaborate better when co-creating. 

For the last 3 years, I did what I guess one does when they have an Idea, at least according to this book:  What Do You Do With an Idea?  I have been looking at my own navel: wondering about it, dreaming about it, thinking about it, researching it, dabbling in it, telling myself it’s dumb, and then finally, I put it on a shelf.

To be fair to myself, I tried a few things: I went through a strategy process, I drafted an entire online course, created a Mastermind group, tested my idea once, then another time, and it has done a lot of shape shifting in the process.

And through this naval-gazing phase of the process, a name was created for the Idea, and then a trademark application requested. And, as luck would have it, just a few weeks ago I received a letter that it has officially been trademarked.  Thus, a brand name for the Idea on the shelf was established: Made With Empathy™.  Now, I must take it off the shelf, dust it off, and see what happens.

I have been thinking about what holds me back, and it is fear.  I wish fear didn’t hold me back.  I’m fearful of it being a flop, that it won’t be meaningful to others, and that it’s just a stupid Idea, not really what others want or need.  

I’m also fearful of getting laughed at, criticized, rejected. That it will impact the work I already enjoy doing.  I don’t want to change what I love about my work, I just want to “enhance it”, make it shiny and loved…by me.  So, that’s the fight within myself – giving myself permission to do something important for me while wanting it to also have a positive, helpful impact to others. 

I wish it was easier for me to launch a new Idea into the world.  I see (and help others) do it for a living (link back to April bell research group services).  It’s so ironic because I help corporations do what is the hardest thing for me to do – launch their ideas into the world in a way that creates a massive impact – by marrying their Idea with the Needs of others.  After going through my own mental battle to “launch something”, I am even more impressed and in awe with all of the brands, companies and people who bring new products and services to life.

This Idea of Making things with Empathy hit my core because I witness on a consistent basis how ideas can take on form and literally get created out of nothing more than a brainstorm or ideation session.  When a team comes together to collaborate, to get clear on their objectives as a team, set aside their own personal opinions, and begin listening to each other, and those they are trying to create for, magic happens.  It happens almost every time, when teams (and the people within those teams) show up, get present, get out of their own heads, create space to focus, and are willing to resiliently pursue next steps when the idea doesn’t work the 1st time, or the 2nd, or the 3rd.  It’s really incredible.

I get to see great, brilliant people create amazing products and services – and they do it by using a lot of Empathy.  And I get hired to be “the Empathizer” – I get to build a bridge between consumer and creator, between creators.  I get to create space for magic to happen. 

Ironically, I’ve learned a lot about Empathy this last year.  Before then, I didn’t think I had a lot to learn.  If you’ve taken the StrengthFinder test, you may be familiar that Empathy is one of the 34 strengths.  Empathy is my #2 strength, which means I can intuitively and immediately feel and care about other’s feelings.  And my #1 strength is WOO (Winning Others Over) which means I love meeting and getting to know people, as many people as possible.  Perfect for the job I do.

But it doesn’t leave someone with those 2 strengths a lot of room for their own emotions.  I am currently reading a fascinating book by Richard Davidson, The Emotional Life of Your Brain.  In it, he has created an Emotional Style based on 6 dimensions - one of them is Self-Awareness.  I have realized how “Self-Opaque” I am – which means I have been mostly unaware of what I’m feeling most of my life.

What I’m learning is that even though it’s one of my strengths according to StrengthFinder, my ability to Empathize is actually limited due to the lack of it I have for myself.  

When one is able to empathize with their own feelings AND with the feelings of others, it creates clarity, and intentional, purposeful action.

Empathy with myself gives me clarity, and with clarity I can see the next action.  

It tells me when...

1. I need to stand strong because it’s my truth and I can’t be swayed

2. To find grace to be present with someone else’s experience without taking it on as my own

Empathy - with BOTH self and others - is the key to co-creating and bringing new things to reality. 

So, that’s where this idea originated.  I have conducted over 10,000 hours of focus groups, interviews, co-creation sessions using Empathy, and now I am wondering:  "Why can’t these tools be shifted and used outside the focus group setting to design a more meaningful life with each other?” 

So now my why for growth is different – it’s more meaningful.  I have a vision of creating deeper connections, greater collaborations, and ultimately more joy and meaning in the world.

That’s why I want to create tools, a useful system or process….but I need your help. 

I’m not going to do any more navel gazing. I want to know what’s wanted (what the bigger need or desire is) because if I can understand that, I can customize Made With Empathy ™ so that it’s helping achieve what is most wanted.

If you’re interested, please answer these few questions about what would make Made With Empathy™ tools most meaningful to you - Click here.  

Let’s see where this Idea takes us…

How Increased Empathy Gave Me a Beautiful, Fresh Start

I have spent most of my career using empathy to help connect and translate people’s emotions for the purpose building brands. 

I love helping brands connect the dots based on the emotional desires of their consumer. It not only helps brands with their internal marketing, it also facilitates consumers to get more of what they want.

Someone recently used the word "bridge builder” as a way to encapsulate what it is I do - yes, that’s what it is.  And “bridge building" requires empathy.  To be a successful focus group moderator, you must exude empathy.  It must pour from your pores.  You must listen with presence, curiosity, and use that curiosity to co-create new ideas.  

When you “feel” what others feel and use the power of your brain to create new questions and connections, co-creation occurs in a very meaningful way.  Whereas, if your mind is distracted and not listening, you can’t really ask relevant questions.  Both your head and your heart have to be listening in conjunction with each other in order to co-create something new with others.

While I am hyper vigilant about these things in my work, my personal life, it appears, is a different story sometimes. When I am out of this controlled “focus group" setting, I recognize it is more difficult to be empathetic because it is more difficult to be present.  

Much of the time in my personal life, I lean into wanting to change some aspect of what’s going on in the present -  I want others to show up in a different way than they are or perhaps “be" different than who they are being.  And my divorce has taught me that I can’t control anyone else’s thoughts, behaviors or ways of being…except my own.  

So, how did this increase empathy and creativity for me?  Because I am beginning to see the value of using my “focus group” skills in my own life.  

Here are the connections I made to help transfer the automatic empathy skills I use weekly in controlled “focus group" settings to my personal life with my daughter:

1. Creating Space Allows Presence - The reason focus groups work well for deep connection is because you purposefully create space for people to listen to each other. While I am great at creating space for others, it wasn’t until lately that I began to create some space for myself. I remember one night a few months ago when we had some spare time, I was just sitting, doing nothing except observing my daughter play. I wasn’t on my phone, or watching a movie, I was just sitting, watching, being present with her. She was talking to herself - in an imaginary scenario. As I listened to her, I started thinking about who she is becoming, what it must be like to be her. I saw her outside of me in a new way.

2. Presence Moves you From Anxiety into Curiosity

   1. As I sat, present with her, really seeing her, seeing past my own pain, I began getting curious about my daughter’s pain. If you haven’t been through a divorce, it may be hard to empathize with what it’s like. Many people believe it’s a “choice” - and that because you didn’t “work hard enough to save the marriage", the pain and loss is undermined. But divorce is the death of something sacred, and it comes with pain.

   2. I can tell you that the pain and loss combined with the shame and guilt is so consuming that it is difficult to NOT get lost in it. And when you are lost in your own pain, it’s challenging to be present (to empathize) with your children's pain, anyone else’s pain, that is. There’s so much fear - "how am I going to make it on the other side?” "What’s wrong with me?” "How did this happen?” "What is going to happen next?” All of these fearful, anxious thoughts can have one (me, that is) spinning out of control. But this particular night, as I watched her, my curiosity grew. I became curious about who she was being in that moment, about what it must be like to be her.

   3. I realize I didn’t know what it felt like to be her because my parents didn’t go through a divorce when I was young. I never experienced living in 1 home, then moving back and forth to 2 homes. I got curious in that moment while looking at her - wondering what she was feeling, and imagining how heart wrenching it must be, on so many levels, having the world as you knew it disrupted, torn apart.

3. Curiosity Breeds Creativity

   1. The cool thing about curiosity, though, is that it moves you from the fearful limbic part of the brain to the prefrontal cortex, which breeds creativity. With presence, listening, really listening and “feeling into” what the experience is like to be someone else, your brain shifts to creative solutioning.

   2. As I watched her, the questions I asked myself were different -

      1. From Fearful questions - “how will I survive this" TO…

      2. Presence - “How interesting that she stopped playing by herself and tried to pull me into her game"

      3. Curiosity - "I wonder what she needs from me right now?"

      4. Creativity - “What am I going to do about helping her see the beauty in having 2 homes instead of 1?” “How can I show up and be the best I can be as a co-parent in a way that helps her feel safe?”

   3. Suddenly, boom, a new thought allowed me to shift away from my own fearful questions, into solving something for her. That is empathy. That is connectivity, that is creativity. It is what brands… and a deeper connected life is built on.

   4. And the creativity can continue. Now I want to know: "How can I build more of that connection in my life?” And "How can I help my daughter move from fear to curiosity and creative grow?” Moving from surviving to thriving - that’s the problem I am now solving for….how to thrive in what is.

But what does Empathy for others you love actually require?

1. Empathy Requires Neutrality:

   1. I realize how much I judge around me - in a focus group, I am hired, primarily because I am considered a neutral 3rd party. It’s hard for people within a company, brand, etc. to ask neutral questions to their customer audience - for example: “You do like this idea, don’t you?” 🙂. These questions don’t allow co-creation, they create stagnancy. Instead, they hire a neutral moderator to simply “be with” their customers - allowing for greater understanding, deeper emotional connection because people open up to those who give them a compassionate, neutral space to be in. When they feel judged, or that their answers will be “wrong”, they stop talking.

   2. As I sat with my daughter that night, I was just with her as she was telling me what she needed. I allowed her to speak, and I didn’t try to change or correct or shift what she was saying. I also didn’t throw myself into the more normal judgment of myself - instead of blaming myself, I allowed space for me to stay with her, without judgment. I resisted the urge to encourage her, shift her thinking, give her a new perspective, all of the things I normally do to “help” her. And I resisted the urge to self-flagellate “how could I do this to her?” “I”m the worst mom.” “She’ll never recover.” Remaining neutral created a little "magical moment for mama and daughter” for us BOTH to see that I could in fact, be neutral, and truly empathetic without having to “fix or solve” it. What a concept just to hold space for her.

2. Empathy Requires “Being with” Strong Emotion Without Resistance:

   1. Because I stayed in the space with her, she likely felt more at ease. Suddenly she began crying, telling me how she was feeling. Instead of doing what I normally would do - try to change her feelings or solve them for her (or go further into self-shaming), I was led to just hug her, and as she calmed, say how I WAS FEELING. And because I had been present with her, I was aware of my feelings too.

   2. I could suddenly with clarity articulate all the unsaid things I had been feeling for months. "I’m so so sorry, sweet girl. I’m so sorry your parents are not able to make 1 home work so that you live with consistency. But I want you know that you are safe. I want you to understand how loved you are - by both of us. I want you to feel the beautiful unicorn creature that you are - a beautiful flower, that when opened, will change the world. You will change the world, sweet Autumn, and I will see you do it. I will sit in honor at your beauty. And we will never stop loving you. Your mom and dad are imperfect, but we love you to the moon and back. You are a masterpiece and I participated in creating you, and I am proud of it."

   3. She looked at me, silent. Without a word, she took it in. Then she dried her eyes and smiled her unicorn smile and said - “ok, I think I’m ready to do something else now - do you want to play like you’re the daughter and I’m the mom and we live in a castle, and then ….. and then… and then…..?” And I said "Yes, I am ready. I am ready to play with you.” (But only for 15 minutes…. 🙂 )

That moment was special, addictive. New.  

Oddly, I felt more in control being present with her in that way than I do most days. The days I’m trying to gain control over her, the days we bicker or I’m "trying to get her to pick up her shoes already.”  Maybe presence is where I have the most control, for when I am (in these rare but precious moments) present with what is happening right in front of me, I feel like the world is an oyster and pearls appear. And every pearl is a fresh start.

The Challenge and Reward of Learning How to Let Go

Many of us have been inspired by the Marie Kondo movement - letting go of what doesn’t bring us joy, especially when the Netflix series appeared last fall.  For years, I have appreciated the idea of “the life changing magic of tidying up”.  

However, my tidying up process evidently needed an overhaul because that’s what I got!  A super size dose of what it means to “tidy up” in a big way.

I let go of the vision of what I wanted my family to look like

• I let go of over-functioning in some of my relationships

• I let go of a lot of blame and shame

• I let go of the disappointment of some of my dreams not coming into reality

• I let go of emotional suppression

• I let go of the home where my daughter was born and raised for the first 8 years of her life

• I let go of a lot of “stuff” that was in my home and in storage

Yes, it has been a season of letting go.

I just read today (from Marc and Angel Hack Life) that “..letting go is not giving up.  Letting go is surrendering any obsessive attachment to particular people, outcomes and situations.”

The beauty in letting go is this - it breeds fertile ground for new life.

 I never really understood the truth of that until this last year.  I have struggled with letting go.  Up until now, it has been challenging for me to let go because I feel more in control when I hold on tight.  I subconsciously believe that if I can just hold on tight enough, then everything will be ok.  I want to hold on to everything around me.  To the things I have collected, to my people, to everything in my world.  

After a year of a challenging separation and divorce, I was faced this last summer with moving out of the home we had lived in for 10 years, trying to determine what to do with all of the “stuff” that had been collected, including 2 storage units of office furniture.  

You see, our company used to office in a ~1000 sq. foot office.  But a couple of years ago, I had big visions for the space I wanted for our little company.  And to achieve being able to afford a "bigger space", I moved our team to a virtual working arrangement (temporarily, I thought).  So, we rented 2 storage units to store all of the office belongings and our team all began working separately from home.  I believed and had visioned we would have an “expanded” space eventually - one where we could hold “ideation” and focus group sessions.  And all the while, our "beloved office belongings” had been hanging ever so patiently in 2 storage units, as our work and lives went on….

What I didn’t realize was that all of the office “stuff” I had been storing as well as the overflow in my house represented soooo much other emotional baggage I had been holding on to as well.

The process for letting go of that stuff was painful.  It forced me to take a look globally at everything I was holding onto. I had to get face to face with the big dreams I once had, the ones I hardly even knew were there.  The whole process was symbolic for everything I felt about the failure of my marriage - heartache, grief, pain and shame.

But here’s what’s interesting about the letting go process.

1. Letting Go requires Presence - you can’t really choose what you will let go of and what you will hold onto unless you get really present with how you feel about everything individual thing in your space. You have to come face to face with whatever you’ve been suppressing - the fact that you made the choice to purchase it, regret for not using it, guilt for the money spent on it, and everything else in between.

2. Letting Go is therapeutic - because it’s chaotic, because it brings up stored emotions you didn’t know were there, it actually helps you release stored pain.

3. Releasing allows Freedom to Begin Again - then, you get to make a new choice - what’s great about making new choices Is that it brings with it a sense of freedom.

4. Removal of physical clutter facilitates Renewal - I never realized how much subconscious clutter I had going on, rattling away in some region of my mind because I was holding on tightly to physical “clutter” I could no longer see.

5. There is Healing on the Other Side - I like systems, processes, things that “line up”, are predictable. And letting go creates unpredictable feelings. That IS part of the process, and the only way to the other side is through it.

What I learned from the process:

1. Burning paper items was a surprisingly cathartic way to let go - and much less expensive than my therapy. The releasing that occurred when I went through many old boxes of stored papers - everything from old “data” from my early years of work in my 20’s to old love letters from elementary, middle and high school friends/boyfriends - was burned. So many things that are unimportant but somehow subconsciously attached - gone. I smile again just thinking about that.

2. Talking openly with a compassionate friend about what I was experiencing helped lessen the pain, guilt and shame I was facing. It also gave way to several ideas and happenings that never would have existed otherwise:

1. One friend told me about a company who does estate sales. They came in, took a commission for a % of the total made, and they handled the whole thing. For us, it was extremely rewarding.

2. I brought my daughter into the process by telling her she got to decide what she kept at dads, what she wanted to take with us, and what she wanted to let go of. I told her everything of hers was her choice and whatever money we made, we would go on a special trip of her choosing with the money we made. We are going to Paris in 2 weeks with the money we made :)!!!!

3. Doing that made the emotional pain easier because we had a goal, an incentive for letting go as well as a semi-pain free way to logistically make things go away.

And so the benefit of letting go for me has been like tilling up the soil before planting - it brings forth soil that is rich and ready for new life.  It is open, and waiting. 

I feel new life coming in some days.  Other days I just wait.  Ever so slowly and somedays magically, I am seeing things being brought in - because now there is space to enjoy it, to revel in it, to see it, notice it, be grateful for it. 

Yes, I am grateful for the “fall” of this season.  And of my daughter, Autumn, who helps me understand with full clarity what to hold on to…albeit a little looser each day.