Self-Care Habits to Use this Fall

So this summer was a unique one for me. I made a commitment to myself:

1. I was not going to take any travel work projects

2. I would commit to taking better care of myself

3. I would spend more quality time with Autumn.

If I were to rate myself on a scale of 1 to 10 on how well I achieved this goal I would have initially given myself a 4.

But I would give myself a 4 and feel happy about it. I might even give myself a 3 1/2 and feel happy about it.  Even though it wasn’t exactly what I envisioned, my attitude improved about what I DID make happen.  

Typically, I would create a scenario where I would only focus on everything I should or should not have done instead of allowing myself to feel good about what I HAD done well.  And when I do that, it sends me into a spiraling story that ends in the space between guilt and shame.

However, this summer I stayed focused on how I could create more of what I wanted. Because I was focusing on that, my brain somehow let go of what I didn’t do well.

And here are a few tricks that helped me at least make some of it happen. These are the ones I plan to keep now that the summer is over:

1. Create Calendar Commitments: I started putting time for what I wanted to focus on in my calendar (as if it were a meeting) BEFORE letting it fill up with my many obligations to others - clients, friends, extended family, or even my own family.

   1. I literally put a calendar entry in my calendar for “April happy heart” time. This summer I was able to create 4 whole days of this. I originally wanted to do that every week but what a gift it was to have several full days where I woke up and did what my heart wanted.

   2. Now don’t get me wrong, usually about the time I was about to embark on my dreamland to do what April wants, I would inevitably get bombarded with something urgent or a fire to put out, or my computer breaking etc.

   3. So not every “full day” was dedicated completely to “April’s happy heart” but even so, I found that if I would honor the calendar commitment I made to myself, at least some space would get set aside for that purpose.

2. Little to No Pre-Planning: Ok, so now that I had a “calendar commitment”, I felt like I needed a “plan” to ensure it was fruitful. But then, planning “free time” felt somewhat ironic. What I learned is that the biggest value of having space for myself was that I was able to get out of my normal planning mode. Instead, I:

   1. Created a “bucket list” of passions, interests, and other things I would like to do on Trello so that when my free time started, at least I wasn’t racking my brain for “what do I do now?” (ok, so maybe that counts as some planning….)

   2. On the day of my commitment to self, I would wake up, look at my Trello list and pick something that felt good in that moment.

   3. To be honest, one of my favorite ways to spend my time was to simply “rest” – I had, up until this summer, devalued the beauty and benefits of resting.

3. Protect My Time: It’s surprising how much I (up until now) tend to value everyone else’s time over my own. I don’t know if it’s because I was taught to “put others before yourself” or if it has to do with my strength of Empathy . Who knows but regardless, I am learning that I can show up for other’s needs in a healthier way if I allow myself to have time for me. I love the way Jordan Gray puts it here. So, I am seeing the value of:

   1. Saying “no”

   2. Staying focused on my goals

   3. Treating myself like I would my clients - protecting my time as if I had a very important meeting with someone that I couldn’t miss.

4. Take more Epson salt baths. This may sound ridiculous or overly simple, but the beauty of a bath is not to be overlooked! I got to where I was taking a bath almost 5 nights a week. It feels so indulgent and yet it really doesn’t take much to make that happen. For me, the key is to:

   1. Wait until Autumn goes down, then lock my bathroom door

   2. Put in 4 cups of Epson salt

   3. 8 drops of Serenity doterra oil

   4. Light five white candles

   5. Turn the lights off.

   6. Maybe listen to an audio book or soothing music (here are the 5 books on my Audible play list now)

      1. Girl Wash Your Face: Stop Believing the Lies About Who You Are So You Can Become Who You Were Meant to Be

      2. The Art of Empathy

      3. Kick Ass with Mel Robbins

      4. Big Magic

So, here’s the most interesting part.  The reason I initially gave myself a 4 is because I didn’t feel good about my time with Autumn.  It felt harder for me to define or qualify what was “quality time” with Autumn.

Yes, we vacationed together. Yes, we got a handful of lazy mornings together. But honestly, there were lots of camps, lots of spur of the moment changes in plans, lots of her getting to socialize and be with her friends

That was all great – but how much did that count as quality time with me? 

I had separated quality time with myself from quality time with her. I was “measuring”, “calculating”, “analyzing” my time with her.

It wasn’t until one night the week before school started that something shifted in the way I was thinking about my time with her.  I would call it a magical moment.  When putting her to bed, I had this moment where I just laid there, noticing her beauty and listening to her as if for the first time.  I suddenly had this feeling that nothing else mattered except this moment with us.  It was like time stopped. 

And suddenly, I really got how the time with me “filling my cup” really DID translate to the connection with her. 

I saw that time with me = more capacity to be with her.  Can I hashtag that? - don’t know if you’re supposed to do that with a blog. #timewithmeequalsmorecapacitywithher. 

Instead of anxiously worrying about whether I was doing “good enough” and being a mom who could measure up, I shifted into a space of just being grateful for the moment I had with her. 

And with that gratitude, I saw that the act of analyzing and measuring my “effectiveness as a mom” was actually taking me away from the very thing I was trying to create with her.  Special moments.

So, maybe I’ll give myself a 10!

Learnings from a Mommy Daughter Vacation to Mexico

I’m sure many might ask why I would chose to take a "girls trip" to Mexico with just me and my 7 year old daughter in the middle of spring. At least I asked myself that as the day of departure grew closer. When I first saw fares for $200 from Dallas to Cabo, I emailed my friend who lives there, and said "We’re coming!"  And I found a small window that could work, and bought the tickets!   But that was about 2 months ago…  As time grew closer, many fears started creeping in, wondering whether it was safe for us to go by ourselves, knowing that it would not be a typical "relaxing vacation" on the beach with just the 2 of us, as my primary concern would be her safety.  I also started stressing about taking the time off - we had just been on vacation for spring break and it felt a little indulgent to go again.  Plus, our lives are so freaking busy with work, school, activities, I mean it’s spring time, people.  "There’s soooo much to do!" I kept telling myself. It’s just not a good time.  I almost cancelled the trip.  

But at some point, a few days before we traveled, I made a choice.  I chose to make this the best mom and daughter trip we could possibly have together.  Tickets had already been purchased, and I became very cognizant of just how much of my life I spend "waiting for the perfect situation."  When she gets old enough, when we can all go as a family, when I am not so overwhelmed with work.  When, when, when.  When is now.  When is happening in front of me as I strive to perfect, perform and please.  I am so so grateful that I made the decision to go… Not only to go but to really BE with my daughter.  I learned so much about myself these past few days, and   about her. Here are a few...

1. Walmart CAN be wonderful - I can’t believe I am saying this but when you’ve had a rough travel day and still need to get food, there’s nothing like having a Walmart in Mexico to stock up on breakfast items and snacks for your stay.

2. There’s an "art" to planning- Figuring out the right level of planning for a vacation with a child is definitely an art form. Sunset sailing? Dinner at a Brazilian restaurant? Sounds wonderful, right? I am so lucky to have friends in Cabo and when my friend planned a wonderful sunset cruise she invited us to, I was thrilled. As time grew nearer and my daughter continued to enjoy herself in the pool, I knew that a sunset cruise for her wasn’t going to be joy-filled for anyone who showed up on that sailboat. Here’s the thing, I get that kids need to learn to go along with plans and adapt to situations, and it can’t be all about them. I also get that I can choose to stick to this belief doggedly or create a situation where (at least on vacation) we can adapt to how we’re feeling rather than sticking to a rigid plan. It’s an art, meaning there’s no perfect answer… and that’s ok.

3. Being on the beach is great but being in the ocean is better - we were so blessed to go whale watching on the last day of the seasonand got to see a mother and child whale pair migrating together. I mean, can you even believe that luck??? It was AMAZING! Seeing a “baby” 10-foot humpback whale breaching (playing) was stunning and glorious and reminded me that the connection of a mom and child is a universal gift. My 7-year old may not understand what a miracle it was to witness this but then again, maybe she understands it even more than I do. Regardless, I am so glad for the miracle anyway. So, so grateful!!!!

4. Limiting electronics is a rule for mommy, too - So we’re all concerned about the electronic addiction of kids, right? But I have to say that it’s funny how concerned I am about her electronic addiction and tend to ignore my own. It’s hard to put down the phone, knowing that clients, employees and others all have questions or other needs that “require” my attention. Oh, and just one quick peek on Facebook while I’m on the phone. It requires SERIOUS intention to just be ok with not responding immediately to every email/request/need/question that others have of me, and instead, choose to put down my phone, and be with her in the moment. It was not lost on me that my own addiction is looming in the background of my electronics rules for her. And breathing through that without all the guilt that goes with the realization helps me put down the phone more quickly.

5. Boredom is beautiful - I learned that my child is evidently accustomed to an over-planned life, too, and that it’s ok for her to be "bored." When my daughter’s bored, I recognized my first reaction is to help her find something to do - put an activity in front of her, give her some ideas for using her time. However, awareness of this is the first step, right? And breathing through it is the 2nd. And then just being ok with her boredom, I realize that boredom has its beauty.

6. Mommy melts down sometimes, too - My belief that I should be strong enough to weather even the biggest emotional storm of a child with total and complete calm is well, bullshit. Yes, breathing is good. Being with what is is even better - but sometimes, all of that just goes out the window and an emotional storm has to be met with an emotional storm. That’s ok, we can pick up and try again. And don’t blame me, dear, for the cuss word you just learned, I will certainly deny it and blame it on someone else who is unsuspecting!